One of the things that the chemo class warned us about yesterday is how my relationship with food may sour (pun intended). Supposedly one of the side effects of my type of chemo is that food may develop a "metallic" taste. The aren't quite sure the reasoning, but they suspect it may have something to do with the fact that they are injecting you with PLATINUM. (And by the way rappers, ice out all you want, but next Friday, I will be mainlining platinum. Beat that!) This metallic taste can make you crave things that you don't normally crave, but what's worse it can make your favorite foods taste bad!!!
The real conundrum here arises in that for much of your chemo treatment you are nauseous. So, you feel like if you eat anything, it will come back up (or in my case, repeatedly slam into the Cleveland Clinic's anatomical handiwork). And, to add insult to injury, you get weak and it is very important to eat to keep you strong and healthy as this drug poisons you on its way to curing you. This all boils down to the paradox that it is very important to eat during chemo treatment, but you are going to feel like you don't want to eat, and if you do happen to eat something, it will probably taste like platinum, whatever that tastes like (I guess will have to ask a rapper with an "iced out grill").
Have you ever been sick with like the flu or something, and you eat one of your favorite foods because that is the only thing that remotely sounds good, and then you get violently ill from it, and you never want to eat it again? That is what I am worried about here. My first impulse was to gather all of my favorite foods and stockpile a month's worth. But, what if I get sick while eating them, and I never want to eat any of my favorite foods again? Then I will have to find new favorite foods, but I am pretty fond of the favorite foods I already have...So my next thought is to get a bunch of the healthy crap that I don't like to eat because it tastes like healthy crap, because maybe the mix of healthy crap and platinum will be tolerable. Plus then, if I do get that oh-I-ate-that-and-got-so-sick feeling from the food, it was healthy crap I didn't like eating in the first place, so I won't miss it. In my mind this is all a brilliant plan....oh, except for another side effect of chemo. Because your sense of taste is all metalliced up, your sense of smell is turned up to bloodhound.
Now, personally, I think the smell of brussels sprouts cooking smells like hard-boiled ass on a good day. I can't imagine that having the scent glands of a starving shark are going to make that smell anymore appetizing. That means my mission is to find food that I don't really like, but I can tolerate, that is healthy for me, that I will want to eat, that will taste good when it is mixed with metal, and it can't really have a scent, and has to last about a month. So far I have narrowed that down two things, ice and water. Which as it turns out, comes in handy, because another side effect of this chemo is severe dehydration!
I have a great plan for the dehydration though, I love drinking Pepsi, I will just drink more. That is when the nurse says that caffeine dehydrates you. I suggest I drink LOTS of Pepsi, which apparently gets you even more dehydrated, which in my mind means just drink more Pepsi, etc. So far I can't find any doctor that will subscribe to my theory of hydration through mass quantities of Pepsi. I come up with another plan. I don't like Caffeine Free Pepsi because I think it tastes like flat RC Cola without the kick. So, today I bought a bunch of Caffeine Free Pepsi. In my mind this is genius! Hopefully it will give me enough of that cola-y deliciousness that I won't miss Pepsi too much, but if I end up getting sick from not liking the taste mixed with metal, it won't matter, because I was never a big fan of Caffeine Free Pepsi or flat RC! I know, with ideas like these, it's surprising I am not a millionaire.
I walk through the grocery aisles trying to pick foods that I love to eat, that will last throughout the month I will be dealing with chemo, and even beyond in case I decide I can't stand the platinum after taste and don't touch them until after I get over this. The result, I buy chemical and preservative laden deliciousness, stuff like Hostess, Little Debbie, etc. Basically, I shopped like I was a back in my bachelor days except I bought a month's worth, not just enough to get me to next payday. But that still doesn't take care of the healthy stuff (according to all those quack doctors and nutritionists).
So now I am left trying to think of stuff that is healthy for me, that I will want to eat, that tastes good with a side of platinum, that doesn't have any aroma, that I won't mind if I get so sick from it I never eat it again, and will keep for about a month. Hmmmm. I will look through the aisles again in a few days, but right now I am thinking I can probably survive on Little Debbies and Pepsi. I might throw in a few Slim Jims to cover all of the food groups (the people that built my food pyramid weren't as ambitious as other people's food pyramids, union labor). We'll see. I have until Friday to come up with a list of non-smelly, sort of tasty, healthy foods, that I won't miss if I get sick of them. I will let you know how that turns out.
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