In the breast cancer community, there are a lot of sources for finding information on how to do self exams, what treatment options are, and how to cope afterwards. And while there are certainly many sources of information and non profits for so called "men's cancers", we aren't as open about discussing them. It is ironic that the same ones that like to boast about being so well endowed that they make donkeys jealous are the same ones afraid to ask anyone how to do an exam. I am not real sure what the reason for the disparity between the sexes is. Maybe it's because breasts are right up front where you can see them and testicles are hidden, except in European bathing suits. Or maybe how the great masters would always view breasts as these perfectly formed pieces of art that they would spend days sculpting into marble, while at the same time, the artists would make a guys junk look like a wadded up piece of paper with some concrete slapped on it. At any rate, the public perception about the two are not the same.
After I went through my fight, and if you have read any of my posts you know that I have no shame in discussing what one experiences with testicular cancer, I cannot tell you how many times friends, colleagues, and random strangers have pulled me aside and asked, "How did you know?" I certainly don't mind answering that question. I can explain how I found mine and then I usually refer to a website like http://www.testicularcancersociety.org/testicular-self-exam.html to get a more clinical and better explained way to do exams. Then the feeling of dread comes over me, because I have been through this enough to know what is coming next. The person will then describe, in great wrinkly and hairy detail, why they are asking me that question. So far, they have always stopped short of actually showing me, and I would like to keep it that way. Let's face it, they are not a very attractive piece of anatomy. One of the few good things about having a nutectomy (orchiectomy, if you want to get technical), is there is one less of those ugly things that you have to look at in the shower, and bump into random stuff with...oh, and you can do your self exams in half the time.
So in the spirit of changing the stigma of testicular cancer and breaking the silence, I will post before and after pictures of my...OK, not really, but I will answer some of the questions here, that I normally get asked in a hushed voice in the corner of a crowded room, or outside around the corner out of ear shot of the smokers, or in late night phone calls with heavy breathing...OK, that person never actually says what they want, but always hangs up after I tell them to do a self exam.
1. How to do a self exam? There are several sources for how to do a self exam including the one from the Testicular Cancer Society I mentioned above. Some places even offer shower cards just like some breast cancer foundations do. There are two things to remember. First do exams consistently. You will notice something changing down there long before anyone else will. I don't care how often you go to the doctor or what odd pastimes you may have, you will still notice first if you do regular exams. And the earlier you catch it, the less it spreads to other parts of your body. Second, we all know about shrinkage, so the boys have to be warm to get a good exam. That is why it is generally suggested during a bath or shower, rather than right after taking the Polar Bear Plunge. After all, you want things loose to feel details, cancer starts small and grows, you don't want things cold and shriveled like trying to feel two acorns stuffed in a leather wallet.
2. What if I find something? It's probably nothing, but do you want to take that chance with your life? Go to a doctor to be sure. You would be amazed of the things that hang out with two nuts such as hydroceles, spermatoceles, cysts, drummers (sorry, musician joke), most of which don't hurt anything. In my case, harmless hydroceles were found, but the issue is they can mask cancer, so I was taught to do an illumination test, where basically shining a flashlight behind the boys GENERALLY causes the harmless stuff to glow and the bad things to be dark. However, let your doctor determine that for you. That is not always the case and if done wrong, you can have cancer growing for months without realizing it.
3. If it is cancer, will they take my ball(s)? Most likely yes. That is why you want to catch it early so you only lose one. But ultimately, what is the big deal? I assure you that in the almost four years since "rightie" was removed, no one has noticed. I get just as many compliments down there as I always have.
4. Will my testosterone levels drop with only one nut? Maybe, but probably only slightly. My doctor put it to me this way, if you lose one lung or donate a kidney it doesn't mean you are running on half power. Usually both don't work at full power anyway, so the remaining one just works a little harder than before. My testosterone numbers are well into the normal range.
5. Will my sperm count drop? See above. The fun part is with testosterone testing you give a blood sample, but with sperm count testing there is no needle but there are dirty magazines. Even if you drop in half, you will still more than likely have enough to get the job done or get you in trouble, however you view that situation. Just a word of caution, I don't think the girl downtown offering to check your sperm levels for $5 dollars has had any medical training whatsoever.
6. Will I be able to have kids? God I hope so, because I had one, so if you can't then someone has some explaining to do! Yes, either the natural way or with frozen guys.
7. What is the first thing I should do after being diagnosed? Ask all of your hot female friends if they want to say "goodbye". OK, obviously that is a joke and probably wouldn't even work. But I would call an organization like livestrong.org especially if you are interested in having kids. They can tell you about certain grants that will pay for collection and storage of frozen guys, but the catch on some of them is you have to apply BEFORE you go to get the collection done.
8. Can the cancer come back? Yes it could, but that is why you talk to an oncologist to see what your options are. I opted for chemo for the peace of mind of not having to worry as much about it returning. A few weeks of feeling sick was more attractive to me than a lifetime of worry.
9. Do they just slice open the bag and take out the groceries? No! They go in from around your waist so they can take all of the plumbing too, just in case it has started spreading. So you can show people your scar without being obscene...unless you want to.
10. Do you miss it or have any phantom pain like an amputee would? No, and the good thing is, say hypothetically, you have a two and a half year old that runs at you full speed with a plastic Mike the Knight sword, the chances that he will hit your tender spot have now been cut in half (although he still manages to get me on the tender side EVERY SINGLE TIME! I am throwing that damn sword in the trash!).
So there you have it. The top ten (legitimate) questions I get asked in whispers and darkened corners. If you have anymore (legitimate) questions I will answer them like I did here, based on my own experiences or direct you to a trusted source. I am in no way a doctor, and I in no way want to see pictures, diagrams, or even very accurate descriptions.
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