Yet another morning that I have woken up around 6am and been unable to go to sleep. I popped up to use the bathroom and as usual, I have to get back in the bed by playing a mix of human Tetris and Operation. If I make my body into a "T", and rotate it to the right, I should be able to slide between my wife and two dogs..."GROAN"...oops, looks like my Charlie Horse bumped the side of a basenji. Yeah, that's how my days have been starting lately. But this morning, I was still needing something. I couldn't place my finger on it, and then finally it dawned on me that I was dying of thirst. Because of the chemotherapy I have been drinking literally a gallon of fluids aevery day, mostly water, but I was already thirsty at 6:30. I got up and grabbed a quart/liter bottle of water, and it was pretty much gone by 8am! Of course the water has to go somewhere, so now there is no way I am going to be able to get back to sleep.
So, I lay there wide awake, my mind wandering aimlessly, and looking at the empty quart/liter bottle beside me, I thank God that I can't drink alcohol, because being able to down a quart of fluid before 8am would not be a good attribute to have if I preferred alcohol over water. Then for some reason I think how someday it would be cool to have one of those little basement bars to have friends over. I don't know why, I don't drink and I don't really have friends. But I am a connoisseur of microbrew sodas...as long as they are root beer, grape, or orange. Yeah, I am kinda the exact opposite of those Dos Equis commercials. He has a collection of nearly 15 different bottles...all root beer...he is, the Least Interesting Man in the World. And because I am bored, unemployed, on chemo with nothing better to do, I surf to see if there are any cool music related barstools for the bar I have yet to build in the basement I don't have, so I can invite my non-existent friends (but I may actually have friends if I have a bar). I am very surprised at the variety of barstools. Five thousand different types of barstools!?!?
Now here is where chemo, boredom, insomnia, and the internet come together and cause you to come up with really stupid ideas, that sound really good at the time. I am looking at the variety of barstools and see they are all different styles and heights, so I wonder what shortest barstool is. Eighteen inches! Do realize just how short that is? Go ahead and get out a tape measure or yardstick and check, that is unbelievably short! Did you do it? Why would anyone need a barstool that tiny? Then my great idea hatches. Wouldn't it be funny to build your bar with the little tiny barstools, but the regular height bar? Or what would be even better, is to make the bar tiny as well. Or wait, wait (this is the insomnia induced hallucinations kicking in) instead of building a regular two or four seat bar with regular barstools, build one that looks like a real tavern or pub with like a dozen little tiny barstools and a little tiny bar. And then stock it the back with all the usual liquors and add juice boxes, and then whenever you get a salesman trying to sell you insurance, or replacement windows, or their religion which is better than yours even though they never ask what your religion is, you can sound very excited and offer to talk about it over a drink. You take them down to your little tiny bar with a dozen little tiny seats and when they order a "7 and 7" you can get out a sippy cup say "I have the Seagram's, but not the 7-up, I'll have to use a lemonade Caprisun." That is when the salesman should go screaming our of your house. If he isn't freaked out by that, you should probably call the police. As I ponder this brilliant plan more, I think of how this is a very expensive joke for messing with a few salesman, because let's face it, they won't be back so it's not like you can use this little prank multiple times.
I then think about how if I have come up with great ideas like that as a teetotaler, it's probably good that I can't drink and come up with drunk ideas like that. And as my mind wanders again, I wonder if my lack of drinking contributes to my picky eating. Because let's face it, in a bar people will try anything! In my previous life I spent five years working in bars (I know, what a great place for someone who can't drink to work, but I was just the DJ) and I have seen the crazy concoctions the bartenders would come up with and people would drink.
"Hey, I just came up with a new drink, the Skunk's Butthole."
"Oh, that tastes horrible! But the alcohol is going straight to my head, gimme two more."
And if you think I am exaggerating, I will enter into evidence the Cement Mixer. If you aren't familiar with this, you put Bailey's Irish Cream together with lime juice which causes it to curdle in your mouth. Every part of that sound disgusting to me, but obviously enough people like it that any bartender will know exactly how to make it!
So my thoughts come full circle, I start the morning off with a dry mouth caused by my chemotherapy and through sleep deprived delusions I decide that my gastro-intestinal issues that cause me not to drink alcohol, are also the reason I am not eating a better variety of food. Seems like a straight forward stream of thought when I leave out the part about the tiny barstools. So now, I am kind of awake, feel the chemo working, and I really have to pee. Part of me says to go back to bed because I need the rest to continue doing well on chemo, but I am sure if I do, I will sleep even worse tonight and more than likely pee the bed because in addition to the quart of water, I also have already had a glass of orange juice, a glass of milk, and opened another quart of water. I guess I will just stay on the internet and come up with more brilliant ideas.
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