OK, so I guess cancer didn't directly make me fat, but it certainly helped me pack on some pounds. Between the inactivity following my surgery, the inactivity following chemotherapy, and the fact that my chemo taste change didn't effect my love for all stuff fattening, I have gained weight.
I realized this has become a problem when my wife punched me in the middle of the night, ripped the blankets off my previously slumbering body and said, "You're sweating on the clean sheets." We do have other sheets, and I could even wash them every single day, but she thought all of these things through and decided assaulting a sleeping cancer patient was the best course of action.
While hurting myself mowing the lawn the other day, I noticed I seemed to be sweating more than I had in the past. I first attributed that to my high metabolism and my well toned body, then I realized I didn't have either one. And it seems just about anything can cause me to break a sweat anymore, cleaning around the house, working around outside, walking the dogs on a hot sunny day, walking the dogs on a cold rainy day, walking up the stairs to get a Little Debbie, eating a Little Debbie, thinking about eating Little Debbies, typing "Little Debbie", and apparently sleeping.
There seem to be another side effect to my recent weight gain as well, my hypoglycemia seems to be getting worse. This is a condition where my sugar will drop and I have to...well find something with sugar. They make glucose tablets designed to get the sugar back into your system quickly, and you would think something made to shoot up your sugar would be made at least remotely sweet tasting, but it really taste like compressed baby powder, except drier. This hasn't been a problem until I started getting more and more active lately. Apparently your sugar doesn't drop when you sit around all day ingesting sugar. Seeing some of the weird things people get disability payments for these days, I wonder if I can get the government to pay me to sit around all day ingesting sugary goodness...and maybe even pay for my sugary goodness as well.
But therein lies the irony in my whole situation. I want to get more fit and be more active, which causes me to hurt myself, which causes me to be less active. So, to make up for that, I try to eat healthier and avoid sugary stuff, which causes my sugar to nosedive, which forces me to eat more sugary stuff. You see my dilemma. I can't complain too much though, if the worst lingering effect of beating cancer is having to sit around on my rump eating Little Debbies and sweating. But if I didn't complain about something, I wouldn't have anything to write about today. So, here I am feeling a little better, but recovering a little slower. Luckily I don't have any pressing projects anytime soon that will require me to exert myself too much and we have a large stash of crappy food to keep my sugar levels up. I guess life ain't too bad after all.
Showing posts with label eating healthy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eating healthy. Show all posts
Monday, May 16, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The Nutrition Paradox
Even before all of this cancer crap, my wife had been urging me to eat better. Although that was kinda thrown out the window during chemo, when I was supposed to just eat anything (or in my case everything), now she is coming down on me hard about finding better food to eat...and then she beats me. OK, I am joking about one of those things.
In some instances, I have been working towards a healthier lifestyle. I have greatly increased my water intake, until I had the recent bout of hurting myself. I haven't been drinking as much water since I hurt myself Saturday because more water equals more peeing, which means more walking to the bathroom, which means more hurting. I would continue to drink lots of water, but my wife hid the little porta-john thingy they gave us at the hospital after my surgery. Many people have said I should cut back on my Pepsi intake, however I don't agree with them, and neither do Pepsi's stockholders. But I have been cutting back. As I mentioned, I have been drinking more water, and instead of Pepsi, I try to drink healthier stuff like root beer and Big Red. I am assuming the Red in Big Red comes from some healthy fruit. And I think Pepsi should count as a vegetable serving anyway, because it says "corn" right there on the label, and corn is a vegetable.
Which leads me to the servings count. One thing I have been doing since chemo is drinking a very large glass of orange juice first thing every morning. And a serving the size I drink in the morning counts as two fruit servings. To keep from messing with my stomach I only drink the "Low Acid" orange juice. I also make sure it is the "No Pulp" version from Tropicana. It has to be from Tropicana, because it is made in Bradenton, Florida, which means a few times a year when I am down there, I can drive by there and give them the "stink-eye" to make sure they are doing everything correctly. So far, it's working. And Tropicana is owned by Pepsi, and we all know that they only make quality products. I am also eating at least one banana a day, so we are up to three servings of fruit.
Now is where the serving sizes get a little sketchy. I have been snacking on carrot slices, which come in a giant bag. It says there are only five servings in that bag, which I find hard to believe. If I ate carrots in those quantities I would get so orange I would be mistaken for a Jersey Shore cast member (provided I was also a alcoholic whore). Despite what it says on the bag, I am counting it as a serving. Then there are olives. I can't find out whether those are counted as a serving of vegetables or not. I only eat the green ones, and the people preaching that health crap are always talking about eating green stuff. I say it is a vegetable and since I eat several queen olives while I cook lunch, I am counting it as another serving.
Next we have the gray area fruits and vegetables. First up, my wife tries to claim raisins don't count as a fruit. I say they most certainly do count as a fruit. After all, they are just dried grapes and grapes are a fruit, so why aren't dried grapes covered in chocolate a fruit? I did mention they were chocolate covered raisins, right? Not that it matters. My wife's argument is that the chocolate negates the benefits of the raisin. The way I look at it, people will order a salad, slice fried chicken strips and throw them on top, then drench the whole thing in ranch dressing and call that a healthy meal, I think a raisin, that happens to be covered in its BFF chocolate, is just as healthy. My live in nutritionist/warden also claims that a potato is not a vegetable. I don't know what she thinks it is. It is not an animal or a mineral, which according to my 20Q game, only leaves one thing. And I eat that particular vegetable all day long, as fries, tater tots, and chips. Not too mention that some of the chips I eat are CORN chips, and corn is a vegetable too. I have argued several times that I eat more servings of fruits and vegetable than she does.
By my math, I am intaking approximately fifty servings of fruits and vegetables a day. If anything maybe I should cut back and not eat so many carrots (just in case being orange turns you into a drunken slut). The bottom line is I am trying to be a healthier Tommy. And after all, the doctors and nutritionists are constantly changing their minds on what is good and what is bad. One day it's meat is bad, the next day it's carbs that are. First no alcohol, then it's good for your heart (not that I can do anything about that one since I can't drink). Used to be eggs were good, then bad, now they may be good again in certain situations. Everything with nutrition seems to be an oxymoron. Things have changed just since I have started going through my cancer ordeal. On one hand they say to eat pecans, almonds, and cashews, but the FIRST thing they told me to do when I was diagnosed with cancer was cut back on my nuts...
In some instances, I have been working towards a healthier lifestyle. I have greatly increased my water intake, until I had the recent bout of hurting myself. I haven't been drinking as much water since I hurt myself Saturday because more water equals more peeing, which means more walking to the bathroom, which means more hurting. I would continue to drink lots of water, but my wife hid the little porta-john thingy they gave us at the hospital after my surgery. Many people have said I should cut back on my Pepsi intake, however I don't agree with them, and neither do Pepsi's stockholders. But I have been cutting back. As I mentioned, I have been drinking more water, and instead of Pepsi, I try to drink healthier stuff like root beer and Big Red. I am assuming the Red in Big Red comes from some healthy fruit. And I think Pepsi should count as a vegetable serving anyway, because it says "corn" right there on the label, and corn is a vegetable.
Which leads me to the servings count. One thing I have been doing since chemo is drinking a very large glass of orange juice first thing every morning. And a serving the size I drink in the morning counts as two fruit servings. To keep from messing with my stomach I only drink the "Low Acid" orange juice. I also make sure it is the "No Pulp" version from Tropicana. It has to be from Tropicana, because it is made in Bradenton, Florida, which means a few times a year when I am down there, I can drive by there and give them the "stink-eye" to make sure they are doing everything correctly. So far, it's working. And Tropicana is owned by Pepsi, and we all know that they only make quality products. I am also eating at least one banana a day, so we are up to three servings of fruit.
Now is where the serving sizes get a little sketchy. I have been snacking on carrot slices, which come in a giant bag. It says there are only five servings in that bag, which I find hard to believe. If I ate carrots in those quantities I would get so orange I would be mistaken for a Jersey Shore cast member (provided I was also a alcoholic whore). Despite what it says on the bag, I am counting it as a serving. Then there are olives. I can't find out whether those are counted as a serving of vegetables or not. I only eat the green ones, and the people preaching that health crap are always talking about eating green stuff. I say it is a vegetable and since I eat several queen olives while I cook lunch, I am counting it as another serving.
Next we have the gray area fruits and vegetables. First up, my wife tries to claim raisins don't count as a fruit. I say they most certainly do count as a fruit. After all, they are just dried grapes and grapes are a fruit, so why aren't dried grapes covered in chocolate a fruit? I did mention they were chocolate covered raisins, right? Not that it matters. My wife's argument is that the chocolate negates the benefits of the raisin. The way I look at it, people will order a salad, slice fried chicken strips and throw them on top, then drench the whole thing in ranch dressing and call that a healthy meal, I think a raisin, that happens to be covered in its BFF chocolate, is just as healthy. My live in nutritionist/warden also claims that a potato is not a vegetable. I don't know what she thinks it is. It is not an animal or a mineral, which according to my 20Q game, only leaves one thing. And I eat that particular vegetable all day long, as fries, tater tots, and chips. Not too mention that some of the chips I eat are CORN chips, and corn is a vegetable too. I have argued several times that I eat more servings of fruits and vegetable than she does.
By my math, I am intaking approximately fifty servings of fruits and vegetables a day. If anything maybe I should cut back and not eat so many carrots (just in case being orange turns you into a drunken slut). The bottom line is I am trying to be a healthier Tommy. And after all, the doctors and nutritionists are constantly changing their minds on what is good and what is bad. One day it's meat is bad, the next day it's carbs that are. First no alcohol, then it's good for your heart (not that I can do anything about that one since I can't drink). Used to be eggs were good, then bad, now they may be good again in certain situations. Everything with nutrition seems to be an oxymoron. Things have changed just since I have started going through my cancer ordeal. On one hand they say to eat pecans, almonds, and cashews, but the FIRST thing they told me to do when I was diagnosed with cancer was cut back on my nuts...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sometimes Cancer Makes You Fat
Well I finally have internet again! I guess I could have written on my phone, but I didn't want to get carpal thumb. Anyway, I am fat. I can admit it. I am not waddling and breathing hard at everything fat, just kinda limping and breathing hard at things I am not supposed to fat. But oddly, there is something bothering more than just being overweight right now.
For eight years, a big part of my job had been thinking about a contingency plan for everything. So, when I was told going into chemo that my tastes could change (and they did) and that I may not like some of my favorite foods, and I may start to crave others, I prepared by having a two week supply of just about every type of food. The nurse told us that it was important to eat healthy, but it was more important to just eat. Luckily my plan worked, and although some stuff seemed absolutely disgusting while I was on chemo (I have completely lost interest in pasta, unfortunately) I found enough stuff that I bought in preparation for chemo that I did like. And my two week supply of food was gone in about four days....OK, I am exaggerating, it probably lasted me a week. The problem is, my activity level has been severely limited the past four months due to surgery recovery and the constant reinjuring of my surgery. So, increased intake of food and lowered activity level equals a plumper Tommy. Luckily, I was such a fine physical specimen before this all happened, I just went from husky to pudgy. All my clothes still fit and everything, just not as loose as in the past (and I did notice many of my Christmas gift shirts were 2XL instead my normal XL...I guess my family was sending me a hint).
But was has been bothering me is that I know I have gained weight, and I know I need to lose weight, but people keeping telling me it's no big deal. They will say something like that it's OK to gain weight with what I have been through and things to that effect, but I know I have gained weight and I know I need to get back in shape! I was kinda hoping to lose weight from all this crap and instead I am the only chemo patient ever to come through it fatter! I brought the subject up to my cancer group wondering if I was the only one, and I guess since it was our first meeting after the holidays, there were still a lot of sore spots, because everyone seemed to instantly agree with me. As cancer patients, we all know what we have been through, and we are all limited in some ways, and we all don't mind too much if someone is being protective, but we all seem to be a little annoyed by coddling. In other words, I don't mind being told to take it easy when I am doing physical activity, especially if it involves something heavy, but I do mind being told it is OK for me to be that something heavy. I don't know, maybe I am just getting a little fed up with being a cooped up cancer patient, that in my mind should have recovered a long time ago. This isn't the way I planned it.
So, I have eased myself back into Wiiing, and bought the newest EA Active. And unfortunately that nice cartoon lady on there doesn't coddle me at all. That snotty sack of pixels keeps yelling at me to keep up, when the only reason I am lagging behind is because I can't understand how to get the Wiimote to read my movements the way she wants me to, maybe if you made the directions a little clearer I could move the way you want me to and you could see that I am sweating my butt off over here flapping my arms and kicking my legs like an electrocuted chicken trying to get you to register my movements on the screen on my "kick backs"...sorry for that rant, it was just a very frustrating workout today.
I went to my no nonsense, honest doctor yesterday, who has told me that I should lose some weight for the past few visits, and I told my group, that if he said it was OK to be at my weight right now, I would be very ticked. Luckily (?) he told me I should lose weight in whatever way I could. He even mentioned something called a diet. I will exercise in my sleep before I give up the products from the fine folks at Keebler! Which by the way have you seen the new JUMBO Fudge Sticks that just came out? I wonder if I have any left, hold on...NOOOO, I ate it earlier today! WHY!?!? WHY!?!?!? WHY don't they put more than six in a box? That barely lasted the trip back from the grocery store. Anyway, my doctor and I discussed plans to lose the extra pounds while hopefully not hurting myself again.
With that said, I am in full swing with my new exercise program. I have only been on it a few days and already lost three pounds (possibly just because I ran out of Jumbo Fudge Sticks, note to self, buy more than one box next time). Although that EA Active on Wii is really giving me a good workout, but if I ever see the trainer on there out in public I am going to kick her pixelated butt.
For eight years, a big part of my job had been thinking about a contingency plan for everything. So, when I was told going into chemo that my tastes could change (and they did) and that I may not like some of my favorite foods, and I may start to crave others, I prepared by having a two week supply of just about every type of food. The nurse told us that it was important to eat healthy, but it was more important to just eat. Luckily my plan worked, and although some stuff seemed absolutely disgusting while I was on chemo (I have completely lost interest in pasta, unfortunately) I found enough stuff that I bought in preparation for chemo that I did like. And my two week supply of food was gone in about four days....OK, I am exaggerating, it probably lasted me a week. The problem is, my activity level has been severely limited the past four months due to surgery recovery and the constant reinjuring of my surgery. So, increased intake of food and lowered activity level equals a plumper Tommy. Luckily, I was such a fine physical specimen before this all happened, I just went from husky to pudgy. All my clothes still fit and everything, just not as loose as in the past (and I did notice many of my Christmas gift shirts were 2XL instead my normal XL...I guess my family was sending me a hint).
But was has been bothering me is that I know I have gained weight, and I know I need to lose weight, but people keeping telling me it's no big deal. They will say something like that it's OK to gain weight with what I have been through and things to that effect, but I know I have gained weight and I know I need to get back in shape! I was kinda hoping to lose weight from all this crap and instead I am the only chemo patient ever to come through it fatter! I brought the subject up to my cancer group wondering if I was the only one, and I guess since it was our first meeting after the holidays, there were still a lot of sore spots, because everyone seemed to instantly agree with me. As cancer patients, we all know what we have been through, and we are all limited in some ways, and we all don't mind too much if someone is being protective, but we all seem to be a little annoyed by coddling. In other words, I don't mind being told to take it easy when I am doing physical activity, especially if it involves something heavy, but I do mind being told it is OK for me to be that something heavy. I don't know, maybe I am just getting a little fed up with being a cooped up cancer patient, that in my mind should have recovered a long time ago. This isn't the way I planned it.
So, I have eased myself back into Wiiing, and bought the newest EA Active. And unfortunately that nice cartoon lady on there doesn't coddle me at all. That snotty sack of pixels keeps yelling at me to keep up, when the only reason I am lagging behind is because I can't understand how to get the Wiimote to read my movements the way she wants me to, maybe if you made the directions a little clearer I could move the way you want me to and you could see that I am sweating my butt off over here flapping my arms and kicking my legs like an electrocuted chicken trying to get you to register my movements on the screen on my "kick backs"...sorry for that rant, it was just a very frustrating workout today.
I went to my no nonsense, honest doctor yesterday, who has told me that I should lose some weight for the past few visits, and I told my group, that if he said it was OK to be at my weight right now, I would be very ticked. Luckily (?) he told me I should lose weight in whatever way I could. He even mentioned something called a diet. I will exercise in my sleep before I give up the products from the fine folks at Keebler! Which by the way have you seen the new JUMBO Fudge Sticks that just came out? I wonder if I have any left, hold on...NOOOO, I ate it earlier today! WHY!?!? WHY!?!?!? WHY don't they put more than six in a box? That barely lasted the trip back from the grocery store. Anyway, my doctor and I discussed plans to lose the extra pounds while hopefully not hurting myself again.
With that said, I am in full swing with my new exercise program. I have only been on it a few days and already lost three pounds (possibly just because I ran out of Jumbo Fudge Sticks, note to self, buy more than one box next time). Although that EA Active on Wii is really giving me a good workout, but if I ever see the trainer on there out in public I am going to kick her pixelated butt.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
I Feel Good Enough To Look Like An Idiot
Today I started to slowly move back into my routine. I am starting to put more and more stress on my surgery. I meet with that doctor on Monday, and this may sound weird, but I am afraid he will release me because I don't feel like I am ready for it yet. There are still certain things that I do where I feel a little tug at the site of my surgery. I may feel it when I am twisting my torso and trying to lift something with a little bit of weight to it, or if I am pulling something from left to right, or if my wife asks me to do anything I don't want to do like wash the car or go shopping.
The past two days, I have been both getting back to my old routine and testing the strength of my surgery by walking the dueling basenjis. Daisy the abused one, will stay by my side and not put a bit of stress on me other than wondering how much longer I have to stand out in the cold in my Homer Simpson PJs before she will finally pee (that answer is, until the bus load of kids drives by to laugh at us). Benny, the spoiled basenji however, acts much like Haley's comet in the sense he takes long elliptical orbits around me at a velocity nearing the speed of light. Each pass by me ends with a sharp tug that I didn't notice before my surgery, but now sends a shock wave through my body. I completely understand now how the moon affects the tides. Regardless of how silly I look out there with my Homer pants and orbiting basenji, I do feel like I am slowly gaining strength.
Also today, a friend I haven't seen since chemo stopped by to take me out to lunch. He was on the clock, but that didn't seem to bother him much. I was able to walk at a normal speed, eat food that actually tasted like food, and got to hear plenty of stories that were wholly inappropriate for the lunchtime crowd at a small town Frisch's. Maybe this chemo and surgery thing is finally gone. He drops me back off after lunch, and I was feeling so good, that I fell asleep on the couch for a couple of hours. I guess I am not as recovered as I thought I was, but I am making baby steps.
With my new found sense of freedom, I decided to work in my gardens. Well, they are AeroGardens, but they are probably cheaper to maintain and a lot less work than a real garden. In my attempt to try to eat healthier and expand my food palette to things that are green, I have replanted my garden and commandeered a second. Well, I didn't really commandeer it, we bought if for my mother-in-law to grow tomatoes in the winter and after six months of growing it produced two tomatoes...small...and hard...in the middle of summer when there were plenty of other bigger, not hard tomatoes around. So, she regifted and gave the present back to me. After my hours of toiling in the fields, up on the window sill, I planted lettuce and herbs. Hopefully, I will be fully healed by the time they start producing so I can reap the bushels of fresh produce I will soon have. And if history is any indicator, I should be healed just fine, and it will be summer. I felt a little weird having two AeroGardens at once until I read their catalog this month and saw the article about the lady that has twenty three AeroGardens! I am still not sure if that article was a sales pitch or a cautionary tale. I am just wondering how many powerstrips it takes to supply electricity to twenty three different AeroGardens. I am sure it's up to fire code.
Tomorrow I plan to push myself a little harder. I may get back up in my workshop and see how that goes. I can stand up there and stare at all the projects I wasn't able to complete this summer until I am tired and come back down to the house and cry myself to sleep. Either that or I can just stand outside all day in my Homer PJs and let the dogs do their maypole dance around me. If you hear little kids laughing on the school bus out my way, you will know which one I decided to do.
The past two days, I have been both getting back to my old routine and testing the strength of my surgery by walking the dueling basenjis. Daisy the abused one, will stay by my side and not put a bit of stress on me other than wondering how much longer I have to stand out in the cold in my Homer Simpson PJs before she will finally pee (that answer is, until the bus load of kids drives by to laugh at us). Benny, the spoiled basenji however, acts much like Haley's comet in the sense he takes long elliptical orbits around me at a velocity nearing the speed of light. Each pass by me ends with a sharp tug that I didn't notice before my surgery, but now sends a shock wave through my body. I completely understand now how the moon affects the tides. Regardless of how silly I look out there with my Homer pants and orbiting basenji, I do feel like I am slowly gaining strength.
Also today, a friend I haven't seen since chemo stopped by to take me out to lunch. He was on the clock, but that didn't seem to bother him much. I was able to walk at a normal speed, eat food that actually tasted like food, and got to hear plenty of stories that were wholly inappropriate for the lunchtime crowd at a small town Frisch's. Maybe this chemo and surgery thing is finally gone. He drops me back off after lunch, and I was feeling so good, that I fell asleep on the couch for a couple of hours. I guess I am not as recovered as I thought I was, but I am making baby steps.
With my new found sense of freedom, I decided to work in my gardens. Well, they are AeroGardens, but they are probably cheaper to maintain and a lot less work than a real garden. In my attempt to try to eat healthier and expand my food palette to things that are green, I have replanted my garden and commandeered a second. Well, I didn't really commandeer it, we bought if for my mother-in-law to grow tomatoes in the winter and after six months of growing it produced two tomatoes...small...and hard...in the middle of summer when there were plenty of other bigger, not hard tomatoes around. So, she regifted and gave the present back to me. After my hours of toiling in the fields, up on the window sill, I planted lettuce and herbs. Hopefully, I will be fully healed by the time they start producing so I can reap the bushels of fresh produce I will soon have. And if history is any indicator, I should be healed just fine, and it will be summer. I felt a little weird having two AeroGardens at once until I read their catalog this month and saw the article about the lady that has twenty three AeroGardens! I am still not sure if that article was a sales pitch or a cautionary tale. I am just wondering how many powerstrips it takes to supply electricity to twenty three different AeroGardens. I am sure it's up to fire code.
Tomorrow I plan to push myself a little harder. I may get back up in my workshop and see how that goes. I can stand up there and stare at all the projects I wasn't able to complete this summer until I am tired and come back down to the house and cry myself to sleep. Either that or I can just stand outside all day in my Homer PJs and let the dogs do their maypole dance around me. If you hear little kids laughing on the school bus out my way, you will know which one I decided to do.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Chemo, Dry Mouth, and Tiny Barstools
Yet another morning that I have woken up around 6am and been unable to go to sleep. I popped up to use the bathroom and as usual, I have to get back in the bed by playing a mix of human Tetris and Operation. If I make my body into a "T", and rotate it to the right, I should be able to slide between my wife and two dogs..."GROAN"...oops, looks like my Charlie Horse bumped the side of a basenji. Yeah, that's how my days have been starting lately. But this morning, I was still needing something. I couldn't place my finger on it, and then finally it dawned on me that I was dying of thirst. Because of the chemotherapy I have been drinking literally a gallon of fluids aevery day, mostly water, but I was already thirsty at 6:30. I got up and grabbed a quart/liter bottle of water, and it was pretty much gone by 8am! Of course the water has to go somewhere, so now there is no way I am going to be able to get back to sleep.
So, I lay there wide awake, my mind wandering aimlessly, and looking at the empty quart/liter bottle beside me, I thank God that I can't drink alcohol, because being able to down a quart of fluid before 8am would not be a good attribute to have if I preferred alcohol over water. Then for some reason I think how someday it would be cool to have one of those little basement bars to have friends over. I don't know why, I don't drink and I don't really have friends. But I am a connoisseur of microbrew sodas...as long as they are root beer, grape, or orange. Yeah, I am kinda the exact opposite of those Dos Equis commercials. He has a collection of nearly 15 different bottles...all root beer...he is, the Least Interesting Man in the World. And because I am bored, unemployed, on chemo with nothing better to do, I surf to see if there are any cool music related barstools for the bar I have yet to build in the basement I don't have, so I can invite my non-existent friends (but I may actually have friends if I have a bar). I am very surprised at the variety of barstools. Five thousand different types of barstools!?!?
Now here is where chemo, boredom, insomnia, and the internet come together and cause you to come up with really stupid ideas, that sound really good at the time. I am looking at the variety of barstools and see they are all different styles and heights, so I wonder what shortest barstool is. Eighteen inches! Do realize just how short that is? Go ahead and get out a tape measure or yardstick and check, that is unbelievably short! Did you do it? Why would anyone need a barstool that tiny? Then my great idea hatches. Wouldn't it be funny to build your bar with the little tiny barstools, but the regular height bar? Or what would be even better, is to make the bar tiny as well. Or wait, wait (this is the insomnia induced hallucinations kicking in) instead of building a regular two or four seat bar with regular barstools, build one that looks like a real tavern or pub with like a dozen little tiny barstools and a little tiny bar. And then stock it the back with all the usual liquors and add juice boxes, and then whenever you get a salesman trying to sell you insurance, or replacement windows, or their religion which is better than yours even though they never ask what your religion is, you can sound very excited and offer to talk about it over a drink. You take them down to your little tiny bar with a dozen little tiny seats and when they order a "7 and 7" you can get out a sippy cup say "I have the Seagram's, but not the 7-up, I'll have to use a lemonade Caprisun." That is when the salesman should go screaming our of your house. If he isn't freaked out by that, you should probably call the police. As I ponder this brilliant plan more, I think of how this is a very expensive joke for messing with a few salesman, because let's face it, they won't be back so it's not like you can use this little prank multiple times.
I then think about how if I have come up with great ideas like that as a teetotaler, it's probably good that I can't drink and come up with drunk ideas like that. And as my mind wanders again, I wonder if my lack of drinking contributes to my picky eating. Because let's face it, in a bar people will try anything! In my previous life I spent five years working in bars (I know, what a great place for someone who can't drink to work, but I was just the DJ) and I have seen the crazy concoctions the bartenders would come up with and people would drink.
"Hey, I just came up with a new drink, the Skunk's Butthole."
"Oh, that tastes horrible! But the alcohol is going straight to my head, gimme two more."
And if you think I am exaggerating, I will enter into evidence the Cement Mixer. If you aren't familiar with this, you put Bailey's Irish Cream together with lime juice which causes it to curdle in your mouth. Every part of that sound disgusting to me, but obviously enough people like it that any bartender will know exactly how to make it!
So my thoughts come full circle, I start the morning off with a dry mouth caused by my chemotherapy and through sleep deprived delusions I decide that my gastro-intestinal issues that cause me not to drink alcohol, are also the reason I am not eating a better variety of food. Seems like a straight forward stream of thought when I leave out the part about the tiny barstools. So now, I am kind of awake, feel the chemo working, and I really have to pee. Part of me says to go back to bed because I need the rest to continue doing well on chemo, but I am sure if I do, I will sleep even worse tonight and more than likely pee the bed because in addition to the quart of water, I also have already had a glass of orange juice, a glass of milk, and opened another quart of water. I guess I will just stay on the internet and come up with more brilliant ideas.
So, I lay there wide awake, my mind wandering aimlessly, and looking at the empty quart/liter bottle beside me, I thank God that I can't drink alcohol, because being able to down a quart of fluid before 8am would not be a good attribute to have if I preferred alcohol over water. Then for some reason I think how someday it would be cool to have one of those little basement bars to have friends over. I don't know why, I don't drink and I don't really have friends. But I am a connoisseur of microbrew sodas...as long as they are root beer, grape, or orange. Yeah, I am kinda the exact opposite of those Dos Equis commercials. He has a collection of nearly 15 different bottles...all root beer...he is, the Least Interesting Man in the World. And because I am bored, unemployed, on chemo with nothing better to do, I surf to see if there are any cool music related barstools for the bar I have yet to build in the basement I don't have, so I can invite my non-existent friends (but I may actually have friends if I have a bar). I am very surprised at the variety of barstools. Five thousand different types of barstools!?!?
Now here is where chemo, boredom, insomnia, and the internet come together and cause you to come up with really stupid ideas, that sound really good at the time. I am looking at the variety of barstools and see they are all different styles and heights, so I wonder what shortest barstool is. Eighteen inches! Do realize just how short that is? Go ahead and get out a tape measure or yardstick and check, that is unbelievably short! Did you do it? Why would anyone need a barstool that tiny? Then my great idea hatches. Wouldn't it be funny to build your bar with the little tiny barstools, but the regular height bar? Or what would be even better, is to make the bar tiny as well. Or wait, wait (this is the insomnia induced hallucinations kicking in) instead of building a regular two or four seat bar with regular barstools, build one that looks like a real tavern or pub with like a dozen little tiny barstools and a little tiny bar. And then stock it the back with all the usual liquors and add juice boxes, and then whenever you get a salesman trying to sell you insurance, or replacement windows, or their religion which is better than yours even though they never ask what your religion is, you can sound very excited and offer to talk about it over a drink. You take them down to your little tiny bar with a dozen little tiny seats and when they order a "7 and 7" you can get out a sippy cup say "I have the Seagram's, but not the 7-up, I'll have to use a lemonade Caprisun." That is when the salesman should go screaming our of your house. If he isn't freaked out by that, you should probably call the police. As I ponder this brilliant plan more, I think of how this is a very expensive joke for messing with a few salesman, because let's face it, they won't be back so it's not like you can use this little prank multiple times.
I then think about how if I have come up with great ideas like that as a teetotaler, it's probably good that I can't drink and come up with drunk ideas like that. And as my mind wanders again, I wonder if my lack of drinking contributes to my picky eating. Because let's face it, in a bar people will try anything! In my previous life I spent five years working in bars (I know, what a great place for someone who can't drink to work, but I was just the DJ) and I have seen the crazy concoctions the bartenders would come up with and people would drink.
"Hey, I just came up with a new drink, the Skunk's Butthole."
"Oh, that tastes horrible! But the alcohol is going straight to my head, gimme two more."
And if you think I am exaggerating, I will enter into evidence the Cement Mixer. If you aren't familiar with this, you put Bailey's Irish Cream together with lime juice which causes it to curdle in your mouth. Every part of that sound disgusting to me, but obviously enough people like it that any bartender will know exactly how to make it!
So my thoughts come full circle, I start the morning off with a dry mouth caused by my chemotherapy and through sleep deprived delusions I decide that my gastro-intestinal issues that cause me not to drink alcohol, are also the reason I am not eating a better variety of food. Seems like a straight forward stream of thought when I leave out the part about the tiny barstools. So now, I am kind of awake, feel the chemo working, and I really have to pee. Part of me says to go back to bed because I need the rest to continue doing well on chemo, but I am sure if I do, I will sleep even worse tonight and more than likely pee the bed because in addition to the quart of water, I also have already had a glass of orange juice, a glass of milk, and opened another quart of water. I guess I will just stay on the internet and come up with more brilliant ideas.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Chemo Prep: The Food, the Bad, and the Ugly
One of the things that the chemo class warned us about yesterday is how my relationship with food may sour (pun intended). Supposedly one of the side effects of my type of chemo is that food may develop a "metallic" taste. The aren't quite sure the reasoning, but they suspect it may have something to do with the fact that they are injecting you with PLATINUM. (And by the way rappers, ice out all you want, but next Friday, I will be mainlining platinum. Beat that!) This metallic taste can make you crave things that you don't normally crave, but what's worse it can make your favorite foods taste bad!!!
The real conundrum here arises in that for much of your chemo treatment you are nauseous. So, you feel like if you eat anything, it will come back up (or in my case, repeatedly slam into the Cleveland Clinic's anatomical handiwork). And, to add insult to injury, you get weak and it is very important to eat to keep you strong and healthy as this drug poisons you on its way to curing you. This all boils down to the paradox that it is very important to eat during chemo treatment, but you are going to feel like you don't want to eat, and if you do happen to eat something, it will probably taste like platinum, whatever that tastes like (I guess will have to ask a rapper with an "iced out grill").
Have you ever been sick with like the flu or something, and you eat one of your favorite foods because that is the only thing that remotely sounds good, and then you get violently ill from it, and you never want to eat it again? That is what I am worried about here. My first impulse was to gather all of my favorite foods and stockpile a month's worth. But, what if I get sick while eating them, and I never want to eat any of my favorite foods again? Then I will have to find new favorite foods, but I am pretty fond of the favorite foods I already have...So my next thought is to get a bunch of the healthy crap that I don't like to eat because it tastes like healthy crap, because maybe the mix of healthy crap and platinum will be tolerable. Plus then, if I do get that oh-I-ate-that-and-got-so-sick feeling from the food, it was healthy crap I didn't like eating in the first place, so I won't miss it. In my mind this is all a brilliant plan....oh, except for another side effect of chemo. Because your sense of taste is all metalliced up, your sense of smell is turned up to bloodhound.
Now, personally, I think the smell of brussels sprouts cooking smells like hard-boiled ass on a good day. I can't imagine that having the scent glands of a starving shark are going to make that smell anymore appetizing. That means my mission is to find food that I don't really like, but I can tolerate, that is healthy for me, that I will want to eat, that will taste good when it is mixed with metal, and it can't really have a scent, and has to last about a month. So far I have narrowed that down two things, ice and water. Which as it turns out, comes in handy, because another side effect of this chemo is severe dehydration!
I have a great plan for the dehydration though, I love drinking Pepsi, I will just drink more. That is when the nurse says that caffeine dehydrates you. I suggest I drink LOTS of Pepsi, which apparently gets you even more dehydrated, which in my mind means just drink more Pepsi, etc. So far I can't find any doctor that will subscribe to my theory of hydration through mass quantities of Pepsi. I come up with another plan. I don't like Caffeine Free Pepsi because I think it tastes like flat RC Cola without the kick. So, today I bought a bunch of Caffeine Free Pepsi. In my mind this is genius! Hopefully it will give me enough of that cola-y deliciousness that I won't miss Pepsi too much, but if I end up getting sick from not liking the taste mixed with metal, it won't matter, because I was never a big fan of Caffeine Free Pepsi or flat RC! I know, with ideas like these, it's surprising I am not a millionaire.
I walk through the grocery aisles trying to pick foods that I love to eat, that will last throughout the month I will be dealing with chemo, and even beyond in case I decide I can't stand the platinum after taste and don't touch them until after I get over this. The result, I buy chemical and preservative laden deliciousness, stuff like Hostess, Little Debbie, etc. Basically, I shopped like I was a back in my bachelor days except I bought a month's worth, not just enough to get me to next payday. But that still doesn't take care of the healthy stuff (according to all those quack doctors and nutritionists).
So now I am left trying to think of stuff that is healthy for me, that I will want to eat, that tastes good with a side of platinum, that doesn't have any aroma, that I won't mind if I get so sick from it I never eat it again, and will keep for about a month. Hmmmm. I will look through the aisles again in a few days, but right now I am thinking I can probably survive on Little Debbies and Pepsi. I might throw in a few Slim Jims to cover all of the food groups (the people that built my food pyramid weren't as ambitious as other people's food pyramids, union labor). We'll see. I have until Friday to come up with a list of non-smelly, sort of tasty, healthy foods, that I won't miss if I get sick of them. I will let you know how that turns out.
The real conundrum here arises in that for much of your chemo treatment you are nauseous. So, you feel like if you eat anything, it will come back up (or in my case, repeatedly slam into the Cleveland Clinic's anatomical handiwork). And, to add insult to injury, you get weak and it is very important to eat to keep you strong and healthy as this drug poisons you on its way to curing you. This all boils down to the paradox that it is very important to eat during chemo treatment, but you are going to feel like you don't want to eat, and if you do happen to eat something, it will probably taste like platinum, whatever that tastes like (I guess will have to ask a rapper with an "iced out grill").
Have you ever been sick with like the flu or something, and you eat one of your favorite foods because that is the only thing that remotely sounds good, and then you get violently ill from it, and you never want to eat it again? That is what I am worried about here. My first impulse was to gather all of my favorite foods and stockpile a month's worth. But, what if I get sick while eating them, and I never want to eat any of my favorite foods again? Then I will have to find new favorite foods, but I am pretty fond of the favorite foods I already have...So my next thought is to get a bunch of the healthy crap that I don't like to eat because it tastes like healthy crap, because maybe the mix of healthy crap and platinum will be tolerable. Plus then, if I do get that oh-I-ate-that-and-got-so-sick feeling from the food, it was healthy crap I didn't like eating in the first place, so I won't miss it. In my mind this is all a brilliant plan....oh, except for another side effect of chemo. Because your sense of taste is all metalliced up, your sense of smell is turned up to bloodhound.
Now, personally, I think the smell of brussels sprouts cooking smells like hard-boiled ass on a good day. I can't imagine that having the scent glands of a starving shark are going to make that smell anymore appetizing. That means my mission is to find food that I don't really like, but I can tolerate, that is healthy for me, that I will want to eat, that will taste good when it is mixed with metal, and it can't really have a scent, and has to last about a month. So far I have narrowed that down two things, ice and water. Which as it turns out, comes in handy, because another side effect of this chemo is severe dehydration!
I have a great plan for the dehydration though, I love drinking Pepsi, I will just drink more. That is when the nurse says that caffeine dehydrates you. I suggest I drink LOTS of Pepsi, which apparently gets you even more dehydrated, which in my mind means just drink more Pepsi, etc. So far I can't find any doctor that will subscribe to my theory of hydration through mass quantities of Pepsi. I come up with another plan. I don't like Caffeine Free Pepsi because I think it tastes like flat RC Cola without the kick. So, today I bought a bunch of Caffeine Free Pepsi. In my mind this is genius! Hopefully it will give me enough of that cola-y deliciousness that I won't miss Pepsi too much, but if I end up getting sick from not liking the taste mixed with metal, it won't matter, because I was never a big fan of Caffeine Free Pepsi or flat RC! I know, with ideas like these, it's surprising I am not a millionaire.
I walk through the grocery aisles trying to pick foods that I love to eat, that will last throughout the month I will be dealing with chemo, and even beyond in case I decide I can't stand the platinum after taste and don't touch them until after I get over this. The result, I buy chemical and preservative laden deliciousness, stuff like Hostess, Little Debbie, etc. Basically, I shopped like I was a back in my bachelor days except I bought a month's worth, not just enough to get me to next payday. But that still doesn't take care of the healthy stuff (according to all those quack doctors and nutritionists).
So now I am left trying to think of stuff that is healthy for me, that I will want to eat, that tastes good with a side of platinum, that doesn't have any aroma, that I won't mind if I get so sick from it I never eat it again, and will keep for about a month. Hmmmm. I will look through the aisles again in a few days, but right now I am thinking I can probably survive on Little Debbies and Pepsi. I might throw in a few Slim Jims to cover all of the food groups (the people that built my food pyramid weren't as ambitious as other people's food pyramids, union labor). We'll see. I have until Friday to come up with a list of non-smelly, sort of tasty, healthy foods, that I won't miss if I get sick of them. I will let you know how that turns out.
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