Today I went to my cancer support group. For the past two weeks the subject has come up on when it is time to "graduate" from the group. The moderator has said, he doesn't foresee ever kicking anyone out, but it has brought about a bigger question within the group. When are you done with cancer?
For all intents and purposes, I want to be "done" with all of this cancer crap. I have completed my surgery and finished my chemotherapy. My oncologist and urologist can throw out statistic after statistic about how low my chances of a recurrence are. And they can site those numbers all day long, but it is difficult to really believe them when they want to test you every three months. I have my first post-chemo scan next week, and I didn't think it would bother me at all, because according to all the people that I give co-pays to I have almost no chance of this cancer ever coming back. But as I get closer to the date, I find myself dwelling more and more on it. I can't imagine what life will be like the week between the scan and getting the results. This is where the comfort of the group came in for me. I learned about "scanxiety". At first I laughed it off as a funny term, but as I get closer to that date, I know exactly what she is talking about.
As far as cancer is concerned, I've had it easy. Many people have much tougher battles, and obviously not everyone makes it through the battle. And then there is the other side. There are people in my group that have been living with cancer eight, ten, and twelve years or more! The thing I found odd today, is that they don't consider themselves "survivors", because they are Stage IV and will always have cancer. These people are a lot more active and look a lot healthier than me! I was floored by their comments. They were given a terminal diagnosis a decade ago, and not only do they continue to kick cancer's butt on a daily basis, but they look good doing it! Heck, I look like crap most of the time and I am considered a survivor! That is probably because I do nothing but sitting around looking for jobs on the internet covered in chocolaty crumbs of whatever that was that I called lunch.
Cancer journeys are so personal in our treatment as well. One of the ten year survivors has never had a chemo treatment. Today we had someone starting their chemo and asking about the dryness that is associated with it. And I (the rookie) was able to give some advice when others couldn't. I think that is the give and take of the group as well. Not only is there a point where the group is relative to you at your point in your journey, but also relative to helping others in their journeys as well. In my opinion, which counts for absolutely nothing, when you no longer are taking anything away for group, nor contributing anything to the group, it's time to leave. In other words, if you are done with everything, and when everyone else is talking about their trials and tribulations and all you can add is how you shared a heroine needle with your STD infected prostitute while nude sunbathing without sunscreen at the equator, that is not only hurting the group, because these are all things you are not supposed to do while being treated for cancer, and you are just rubbing it in.
So, I am torn. On hand, I hope to be free and clear of all of this someday both physically and mentally and never need the group for support again. On the other hand, these are people that I have grown to care about, share with, and in many cases look up to and I don't want to miss out on the weekly talks we have (unless it was the talk about sex and cancer that I apparently missed while I was out, I can miss out on that one). But all joking aside, none of us pay anything to go there. Most of us drive a considerable distance to get there. It is obvious to me that each and every one of us is getting something out of it, or we wouldn't go. Yeah, I do hope I feel like I have "graduated" one day, and maybe I will join the "survivors" group, but I hope the rest of the group is able to come with me.
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