Lately I have been having trouble, mental trouble (which has resulted in me missing in action from here). I have not had the best of luck lately, but at the same time, I kinda have.
Losing my job in August was at first devastating. It was a job I loved to do and, when I lost it, I hated not being a part of it anymore. As I decompressed in the days following my lay-off, it dawned on me (with a little help of my wife saying I wasn't as big of a jerk anymore) that I didn't love my job like I used to because I was no longer working that job. There were two bosses I absolutely loved. One passed away and the other retired. When they were gone, so was the vision behind my job. I kept trying to follow that vision and keep the mission going, while most of the people above me didn't understand the vision and wanted my position to go in a different direction. The constant internal tug of war of wanting to do what I was hired for and having to do others things was wearing me down. Being away from that helped me see it clearly that I wasn't as happy in the job as I had been at one point.
When I was diagnosed with cancer a couple of weeks later, the lack of a job (but the benefit of a severance package that may or may not have existed) made it possible to recover without having to ask off work or worry about getting things done in my absence. And as I have said on here before, if I hadn't been laid off, I probably wouldn't have gone to the doctor when I did (because of time) and wouldn't have been diagnosed until my cancer had progressed much further. Yes, I would rather be employed in a job I love and have two healthy nuts, but life can't go well for everyone all the time and I don't mind taking my turn at having some bad luck.
And I can see other positives as well. I was struggling to get my boat I am restoring on the water. I had hit a point where I just couldn't figure this one part out. Having cancer stopped all work on the boat and winter postponed it even more. The past few months I have been poring over three different engine manuals until the warm spell this week. With months of reading manuals fresh in my head, I finally figured out what my problem was in about an hour and will have it fixed soon. So, as with many of the negative things I have gone through lately, I have managed to find a positive thing that has come out of it as well.
I have been struggling with the concept of God's Will or Divine Intervention. After all, does God really get involved in little things like whether the hydraulics on my boat work or even bigger things like my cancer? I mean, surely there are bigger issues in the world that He is watching. Either way I thank God for the good things in my life and I also thank Him that the bad things aren't worse. I can comprehend my own life, but it's others I have really been struggling with. I have met many people in my support group that I have gotten to know, appreciate, and care for. Some of them seem to get shit on by life again and again, and I don't understand why. You hear their absolutely bleak diagnoses and you wonder, why? Now I say that with this caveat, doctors aren't necessarily the best with their "You have X amount of time left..." predictions. I personally refer to these people as the "Living Dead" because they have been walking around in some cases dozens of years after the doctor told them they would succumb to the disease. But it's more than just the cancer, other people dear to me have had things happen to them that put me at a loss to understand why things like this would ever happen in a world with a loving God.
Now don't for a second think that my faith in God is wavering, just my understanding. In my own life, I can point to how every negative thing that has ever happened to me has either made my life better in the long run or made me a better person. And the cliché is true "Sometimes bad things happen to good people" (and by the way, I just purposely misspelled "cliché" so I could use spell check because I don't know how to make that stupid little accent). My problem isn't so much why do bad things happen to good people, but why don't bad things happen to bad people? Or why don't they happen to bad people more often?
One theory I have come up with, from personal experience with bad people, is that sometimes bad things to bad people but they are such assholes that they don't even see it as a bad thing. "My sister-in-law got burned up in a house fire when lightning struck her as she fell off a ladder while crashing through her skylight, and I got $1000 bucks in the will. Kick ass!" OK, I do know of someone who had an experience like that happen (although not as dramatic), but their reaction was exactly what I said (if not worse). I also think that some of these bad people tend to brag about how great their life is, while trying to convince themselves that their life is as great as they say. People that are truly happy don't tend to go around bragging about the stuff in their life. If people that seem truly happy tend to tell you about the stuff they have, it is usually because they are offering to share it with you, such as my good friend who frequently loans me his Florida vacation home for free.
This stuff has been bothering me a lot starting at my cancer support group meeting two weeks ago, and it seems people that I care deeply about have been having horrible things happen to them since. I told my wife today, I don't know how much more I want to go to the group meetings, because seeing people I care about hurt so much is affecting me negatively. If I could understand the "why" it would be so much easier. I have had some shit happen in my life, but overall, I think I have come out of life OK. I would like to have a fun well paying job. I would like to know what it feels like to go out and have a drink with friends. I would like to leave the house and not panic because I left my glucose tabs or stomach medicine in my other jacket. On the other hand, I am glad I have a family that loves and support me. I am glad that the tough spots in my life have shown me who sticks by me in the long run (and I am glad that so many have). I am glad I have two basenjis that are crazy. I guess it boils down to this, maybe I would be better off married to Christy Turlington, or Mila Kunis, or Keira Knightley, or all three and a few others to be named later. Maybe I would be better off if my last name was Disney. Maybe I would be better off with a normal body that wasn't battered from arthritis, worn down from cancer treatment, twisted from GI problems, and with a weird eyeball on my eyeball. But the question I ask myself, would I give up everything in my life and roll the dice again? Maybe not get the same life, nor same friends, nor same family, etc. I don't think I would take my chances like that.
I don't know if God has a "plan" for us. I don't know how much of a role He plays in controlling our day to day life. What I thought I had figured out I don't know anymore. I don't know what I know or believe or how to express what I do think. I don't know why bad things happen to good people, nor why good things sometimes happen to bad people. All I know, is I think I am blessed, regardless of the things I wish were different in my life. And I will continue to pray for the ones that I care about that their lives get better soon.
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