As I was packing up some stuff I sold on ebay and wadding up newspapers for padding, I ran across the page of "Letters to Santa" from third graders. Some of them had me laughing, and I thought I would share.
Dear Santa,
I would like to borrow Dasher this year....
Your Friend,
Gavin
Um, we live in rural Ohio. If I were Santa, I would wear hunter orange and be leery of anyone wanting to "borrow" a reindeer. I am afraid that might be like a drunk "renting beer".
Dear Santa,
I would like a laptop please and a bolt action rifle 300, and a nerf shotgun and a mini motorcycle and a real four wheeler. And the new nerf gun. Can you please wake me up when you come please?
Your buddy,
Isaac
If I were you Santa, I wouldn't wake him up. Especially after you have armed him and given him an all-terrain vehicle. And this Christmas list is exactly why I suggest you don't loan a reindeer to Gavin, especially if he lives next to Isaac.
Dear Santa,
Can I have some meat for Cisy? Can I have some bones for Rundy? Can I have a toy mouse with a bell for my cat? Can I have a 3ft. long bone for Cisy? Can I have a 3in. pizza bone? One more thing can I have a chew toy pencil of Roundy?
Love,
Emily
Oh please dear God please let all those things Emily listed be for pets.
Dear Santa,
I want a trampolene. I want a pet goldfish, and a dog...
Your friend,
Dylan
A trampoline, a goldfish, and a dog...not a good combination. I don't see this ending well.
Dear Santa,
I would like...a new toy robot that when you push the heart a little part comes open. and there is an egg inside with her baby in it.....
Your friend,
Rosie
Damn! I have no idea what you are talking about, but I WANT ONE TOO!!!
Dear Santa,
Can you please bring me...and one more thing lots of sun chips. cheesy king. You are the best. If I get all of this stuff for Christmas...
Your friend,
Emma
Sun Chips?!?! Set your sights a little higher, Emma! Did you see that bitchin' heart-pushing-egg-laying-baby-robot thing Rosie wants? THAT is what you ask for. Besides, does Santa look like a guy that knows what Sun Chips are?
Dear Santa,
...you go down the chimney. I will never see you in person. I don't like that. Can I see you 1 time when you were giving out candy on the streets for donations....I'd love a ring and a phone and passing the 3rd grade also. For Christmas I please want an ipod and $100...
Your friend,
Grace
If I were you Santa, I would give her whatever she wants. I am not aware of any mafia-types in this area, but she sure talks like she is "connected". How many kids do you know that ask Santa to fix third grade and then pay "tribute" money?
Dear Santa,
...Please help the needy and homeless before you come to me. Can I have a new skateboard, water-gun and gun, and Ipod? That's not all. I want a golf cart, and a art set with paper and clay....oh and can you change my hair to blue and red.
Your friend,
Alyssa
Well, she did ask him to help the needy first. Although that poor homeless kid that wakes up with blue and red hair is going to be pissed!
Dear Santa,
I would like an Xbox 360 for Christmas. I don't want much. If you can give me that I'll be very happy and maybe even a laptop and ten games for the xbox 360. That would be all. Thank you!
Your friend,
William
William, we started out good, but you started getting a little greedy towards the end...
Dear Santa,
...I have been a good girl. Please can I have the toys? Can you please stop at my house?
Your friend,
Abby
Hmmm, either Abby hasn't been quite the good girl she says she has or her family is Jewish.
Dear Santa,
I would like to have a full size blue racing four wheeler for Christmas...
Your friend,
Hunter
He's in third grade, Santa. He can't ride a full size four wheeler. Just drop that thing at my house.
Dear Santa,
I would like a horse please...Santa Claus, please give to all the kids all over the world so all the kids are happy so they don't cry, like the song you better not cry Santa Claus is coming to town. I would like a barn for the horse...
Your friend,
Elicia
Apparently Elicia's parents tried to edit her letter by giving her the old we-don't-have-anywhere-to-put-a-horse speech. But Elicia already thought about that. Well played, Elicia! Well played!
Dear Santa,
I want an i pod for Christmas. I also want an ipod and a laptop. I want a girl teen. I want a cotton candy machine....I also want a cupcake maker. I also want a phone that had minutes, games, and internet...
Your friend,
Autumn
Hey Santa, this is Tom. Ditto on Autumn's list for me, too.
Dear Santa,
For Christmas this year, I want makeup.
Your friend,
Becca
Not a good sign for a third grader. At least her name's not Candy, Bambi, or Cinnamon.
Dear Santa,
For Christmas this year I want makeup and a necklace.
Your friend,
Desiree
I still think you are too young for this, but at least you are getting the jewelry up front.
Dear Santa,
I've been good this year. I would like a wrestling man for Christmas. Thank you for the toys!
Your friend,
De'Vonta
De'Vonta, have you been hanging around Becca and Desiree?
Dear Santa,
Would you please get me a babby doll and a ring?
Your friend,
Madison
See De'Vonta, Desiree, and Becca? That's how it's supposed to work. Get the ring, then the baby, and you won't have to worry about make-up or wrestling men.
Dear Santa,
I want a sling shot for Christmas. I will need balls to go with it.
Your friend,
Natey
Natey, I know where you're coming from, brother.
Dear Santa,
For Christmas this year I want a BB gun a pellet gun.
Your friend,
M.R.
Good thinking "M.R."! When asking for weapons and you know it's getting printed in the newspaper, it's best not to give your real name.
Dear Santa,
I want you to be my present for Christmas so I can have lots of presents.
Your friend,
Makenna
Brilliant move Makenna! If you OWN the toy czar, then you own all of his toys too. Makenna, you evil genius!
Dear Santa,
I want a phone. I will cry if you won't get me one.
Your friend,
Grace
Apparently Grace and my wife think alike...
Dear Santa,
How are you? I have been good this year. I would like a DS and a ball. Thank you.
Your friend,
Ethan
I like Ethan's style. A short concise letter. He asks for one thing high tech expensive thing and one cheap old fashioned thing. Way to mix it up, Ethan!
Dear Santa,
I've been good this year. I would like my two front teeth for Christmas. Thank you!
Love,
Evan
Apparently Evan knows this is just a school assignment and want's the easy A.
Dear Santa,
Would you please get me a princess crown?
Your friend,
Aubree
Stay away from this one fellas. I know you're only in third grade, but trust me on this. You boys will thank me when you hit high school.
Dear Santa,
How are you? I have been good this year. I would like a guitar and a monster truck. Thank you!
Your friend,
Cody
Who wants to bet Cody is already rockin' a third grade mullet?
Dear Santa,
...I would like a guitar and a gun and playdoh. Thank you.
Your friend,
Peyton
Maybe he makes targets out of the playdoh? I wonder if his last name is Nugent?
Dear Santa,
Thank you for the funny glasses that you gave me last year. This year I would like a playstation 3.
Love,
Ian
In other words, enough with the gag gifts, Santa. Start making with the big boy toys!
Dear Santa,
...I would like a necklace. I will be asleep when you come. Do you have snow? Do you love me?
Love,
Brooklyn
Asks for jewelry, then asks if he loves her. I think I used to date this girl...
Apparently a lot has changed since I wrote my last "Santa" letter. Santa if you are listening, I would like to remain cancer free, a kick ass job where I don't have to actually do anything but get paid a lot, and an American made Paul Reed Smith with 24 frets and double cutaways.
Thanks Santa,
One Nut Tommy
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