I can't wait for my urologist (who was also my surgeon) appointment this week. No, not because of the slap and tickle I will inevitably have to experience as soon as I get in his office. I am hoping I will get an answer to why no matter how long it has been since my surgery, my incision just never seems to heal.
Today we took the abused basenji to her class that is supposed to break her out of her shell. On the way back we decided to reward her for her hour of torture by taking her for a walk in the park. I was a little gun shy about the whole thing after hurting myself so bad in Florida. But that has been well over a month, and I haven't hurt myself that bad since. However, we didn't get too far in to our walk before I felt something happening. My wife asked if I was OK, and knowing how much I could potentially be hurting myself, I did the guy thing and said I was fine. I don't think it took her too long to tell I was lying. I think it was walking like an off balance Weeble Wobble that gave me away.
I think the best way to describe what happens is to compare it to taking a Band-Aid off. You know how when a Band-Aid is on, most of the time you aren't even aware it is there. Occasionally, your Band-Aid will catch on something while you are changing clothes or something, just giving you a little reminder that it is there, but not really hurting. When it is time you take off your Band-Aid you start to peel it back and it doesn't hurt too bad, UNTIL you get to the point that you have to just rip it off because it is going to hurt no matter what you do from that point on.
Ever since my surgery, on a good day, my incision feels like wearing a Band-Aid. Occasionally, I have a little tenderness there along my waistline where the incision is, but most of the time, I don't even notice it. When I start doing too much physical activity it is like I am brushing against the Band-Aid. Sometimes, I can feel the incision about to let loose, like today, where while walking, it was like I had pulled the the Band-Aid, but if I took one wrong step, the Band-Aid would be completely ripped off and leave me laying around for another two weeks.
I am tired of living like this. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to when I get to that Band-Aid ripping point. I can Wii up a storm with only a slight irritation, but I start walking on uneven terrain, and the effects are almost immediate. However, when it let loose in Florida I was walking on the pavement, but I had been rolling around under a car for hours earlier. I would have thought it would have pulled apart when I was practicing yoga underneath a Highlander, not when I was just walking minding my own business. I don't like walking around through life like I am in a minefield, and I don't know when I am going to step on the one that will send shockwaves through my body. It is bad enough just avoiding the minefield of poop during dog walks.
So, I am hoping this week's appointment will give me answers. I don't care if he says I have to have another operation, use a walker, wear a girdle, sit around in traction, or drive a Rascal scooter through Key West getting stuck on curbs (that one was just for you, sisters), at this point I will do it. Unfortunately, the first option they always offer is painkillers, which I always refuse, because I don't want to mask what is going on, I want to be healed! Until I get an answer I will just keep tiptoe-limping through life praying that my next step is not onto a landmine that rips off my Band-Aid.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
One Wall, Two Walls, Three Walls, Four Walls...
I am officially tired of being in my house! At first being unemployed was a nice vacation from the long hours I had to put in at work. Then being unemployed was nice while I was dealing with cancer recovery. And with all of the doctors' appointments this month, it is nice not having to beg for time off, but I am sick of seeing the inside of this house.
I am still afraid to push myself too hard. I went up to my shop for the first time this week and was able to tell when I was coming close to doubling over in pain and able to stop before I did, thus saving me another two or three weeks of sitting around immobile waiting to heal for the one thousandth time. See, I do eventually learn not to over do it. But I am limited on things to do in my shop because my marine projects are all fiberglass, and messing with them while it is this cold can cause some serious cracks and greatly increase the scope of those projects. The non-marine projects are behind the marine projects, and I know if I try to push projects around in my shop, like I normally do for the winter, I will also push my insides through my incision. So, although I am enjoying what little I have been able to do in my workshop, I am itching to do a lot more.
I have been Wiiing up a storm, though, trying to lose weight. Today I was "helped" by a basenji, which doesn't work too well when I am moving like a cokehead doing the "Cabbage Patch" trying to get the EA Sports game to recognize my "Kick Ups". The dog decided he needed to be right next to me during whatever exercise I was doing. Then the abused basenji, who likes being around the non-abused basenji, comes down to see where he is while I am doing the "Combo Boxing" portion of my Wii exercise routine. I don't know if she was hit by a Wiimote as part of her abuse before we got her, but I do know she flinched every time I did that motion, which required me to do that exercise in slow motion, while my trainer yelled at me, and abused basenji cocked her head trying to figure out if I just had a stroke or something.
Wiiing is about the only exercise I can do right now. We have lots of exercise equipment, that normally sits in front of the fireplace we don't burn wood in, but got repaired in case we ever want to burn something in it again. The problem is, they didn't completely repair it. So I can't put the equipment back until they finish what they are supposed to do, then I have to clean up after them, then slide all the equipment back, which will probably result in my pulling something, and not being able to use said exercise equipment.
So, I don't know what to do now. I have pretty much surfed everything I have ever wanted to surf on the internet. I think I have seen everything there is to see on cable. And I have been playing my American made, 24 fret, double cutaway PRS so much that I feel like I have dimes taped to the end of my fingers. I still enjoy doing that, but I am making a lot of typos with my left hand since I can't feel my finger tips. I am hoping one of my job opportunities comes through soon, not just so I can finally get out of this house, but so I can quit getting the "Have you heard anything..." questions. Until then, I guess I will keep surfing, Wiiing, and watching crap.
I am still afraid to push myself too hard. I went up to my shop for the first time this week and was able to tell when I was coming close to doubling over in pain and able to stop before I did, thus saving me another two or three weeks of sitting around immobile waiting to heal for the one thousandth time. See, I do eventually learn not to over do it. But I am limited on things to do in my shop because my marine projects are all fiberglass, and messing with them while it is this cold can cause some serious cracks and greatly increase the scope of those projects. The non-marine projects are behind the marine projects, and I know if I try to push projects around in my shop, like I normally do for the winter, I will also push my insides through my incision. So, although I am enjoying what little I have been able to do in my workshop, I am itching to do a lot more.
I have been Wiiing up a storm, though, trying to lose weight. Today I was "helped" by a basenji, which doesn't work too well when I am moving like a cokehead doing the "Cabbage Patch" trying to get the EA Sports game to recognize my "Kick Ups". The dog decided he needed to be right next to me during whatever exercise I was doing. Then the abused basenji, who likes being around the non-abused basenji, comes down to see where he is while I am doing the "Combo Boxing" portion of my Wii exercise routine. I don't know if she was hit by a Wiimote as part of her abuse before we got her, but I do know she flinched every time I did that motion, which required me to do that exercise in slow motion, while my trainer yelled at me, and abused basenji cocked her head trying to figure out if I just had a stroke or something.
Wiiing is about the only exercise I can do right now. We have lots of exercise equipment, that normally sits in front of the fireplace we don't burn wood in, but got repaired in case we ever want to burn something in it again. The problem is, they didn't completely repair it. So I can't put the equipment back until they finish what they are supposed to do, then I have to clean up after them, then slide all the equipment back, which will probably result in my pulling something, and not being able to use said exercise equipment.
So, I don't know what to do now. I have pretty much surfed everything I have ever wanted to surf on the internet. I think I have seen everything there is to see on cable. And I have been playing my American made, 24 fret, double cutaway PRS so much that I feel like I have dimes taped to the end of my fingers. I still enjoy doing that, but I am making a lot of typos with my left hand since I can't feel my finger tips. I am hoping one of my job opportunities comes through soon, not just so I can finally get out of this house, but so I can quit getting the "Have you heard anything..." questions. Until then, I guess I will keep surfing, Wiiing, and watching crap.
When Are You "Done" With Cancer?
Today I went to my cancer support group. For the past two weeks the subject has come up on when it is time to "graduate" from the group. The moderator has said, he doesn't foresee ever kicking anyone out, but it has brought about a bigger question within the group. When are you done with cancer?
For all intents and purposes, I want to be "done" with all of this cancer crap. I have completed my surgery and finished my chemotherapy. My oncologist and urologist can throw out statistic after statistic about how low my chances of a recurrence are. And they can site those numbers all day long, but it is difficult to really believe them when they want to test you every three months. I have my first post-chemo scan next week, and I didn't think it would bother me at all, because according to all the people that I give co-pays to I have almost no chance of this cancer ever coming back. But as I get closer to the date, I find myself dwelling more and more on it. I can't imagine what life will be like the week between the scan and getting the results. This is where the comfort of the group came in for me. I learned about "scanxiety". At first I laughed it off as a funny term, but as I get closer to that date, I know exactly what she is talking about.
As far as cancer is concerned, I've had it easy. Many people have much tougher battles, and obviously not everyone makes it through the battle. And then there is the other side. There are people in my group that have been living with cancer eight, ten, and twelve years or more! The thing I found odd today, is that they don't consider themselves "survivors", because they are Stage IV and will always have cancer. These people are a lot more active and look a lot healthier than me! I was floored by their comments. They were given a terminal diagnosis a decade ago, and not only do they continue to kick cancer's butt on a daily basis, but they look good doing it! Heck, I look like crap most of the time and I am considered a survivor! That is probably because I do nothing but sitting around looking for jobs on the internet covered in chocolaty crumbs of whatever that was that I called lunch.
Cancer journeys are so personal in our treatment as well. One of the ten year survivors has never had a chemo treatment. Today we had someone starting their chemo and asking about the dryness that is associated with it. And I (the rookie) was able to give some advice when others couldn't. I think that is the give and take of the group as well. Not only is there a point where the group is relative to you at your point in your journey, but also relative to helping others in their journeys as well. In my opinion, which counts for absolutely nothing, when you no longer are taking anything away for group, nor contributing anything to the group, it's time to leave. In other words, if you are done with everything, and when everyone else is talking about their trials and tribulations and all you can add is how you shared a heroine needle with your STD infected prostitute while nude sunbathing without sunscreen at the equator, that is not only hurting the group, because these are all things you are not supposed to do while being treated for cancer, and you are just rubbing it in.
So, I am torn. On hand, I hope to be free and clear of all of this someday both physically and mentally and never need the group for support again. On the other hand, these are people that I have grown to care about, share with, and in many cases look up to and I don't want to miss out on the weekly talks we have (unless it was the talk about sex and cancer that I apparently missed while I was out, I can miss out on that one). But all joking aside, none of us pay anything to go there. Most of us drive a considerable distance to get there. It is obvious to me that each and every one of us is getting something out of it, or we wouldn't go. Yeah, I do hope I feel like I have "graduated" one day, and maybe I will join the "survivors" group, but I hope the rest of the group is able to come with me.
For all intents and purposes, I want to be "done" with all of this cancer crap. I have completed my surgery and finished my chemotherapy. My oncologist and urologist can throw out statistic after statistic about how low my chances of a recurrence are. And they can site those numbers all day long, but it is difficult to really believe them when they want to test you every three months. I have my first post-chemo scan next week, and I didn't think it would bother me at all, because according to all the people that I give co-pays to I have almost no chance of this cancer ever coming back. But as I get closer to the date, I find myself dwelling more and more on it. I can't imagine what life will be like the week between the scan and getting the results. This is where the comfort of the group came in for me. I learned about "scanxiety". At first I laughed it off as a funny term, but as I get closer to that date, I know exactly what she is talking about.
As far as cancer is concerned, I've had it easy. Many people have much tougher battles, and obviously not everyone makes it through the battle. And then there is the other side. There are people in my group that have been living with cancer eight, ten, and twelve years or more! The thing I found odd today, is that they don't consider themselves "survivors", because they are Stage IV and will always have cancer. These people are a lot more active and look a lot healthier than me! I was floored by their comments. They were given a terminal diagnosis a decade ago, and not only do they continue to kick cancer's butt on a daily basis, but they look good doing it! Heck, I look like crap most of the time and I am considered a survivor! That is probably because I do nothing but sitting around looking for jobs on the internet covered in chocolaty crumbs of whatever that was that I called lunch.
Cancer journeys are so personal in our treatment as well. One of the ten year survivors has never had a chemo treatment. Today we had someone starting their chemo and asking about the dryness that is associated with it. And I (the rookie) was able to give some advice when others couldn't. I think that is the give and take of the group as well. Not only is there a point where the group is relative to you at your point in your journey, but also relative to helping others in their journeys as well. In my opinion, which counts for absolutely nothing, when you no longer are taking anything away for group, nor contributing anything to the group, it's time to leave. In other words, if you are done with everything, and when everyone else is talking about their trials and tribulations and all you can add is how you shared a heroine needle with your STD infected prostitute while nude sunbathing without sunscreen at the equator, that is not only hurting the group, because these are all things you are not supposed to do while being treated for cancer, and you are just rubbing it in.
So, I am torn. On hand, I hope to be free and clear of all of this someday both physically and mentally and never need the group for support again. On the other hand, these are people that I have grown to care about, share with, and in many cases look up to and I don't want to miss out on the weekly talks we have (unless it was the talk about sex and cancer that I apparently missed while I was out, I can miss out on that one). But all joking aside, none of us pay anything to go there. Most of us drive a considerable distance to get there. It is obvious to me that each and every one of us is getting something out of it, or we wouldn't go. Yeah, I do hope I feel like I have "graduated" one day, and maybe I will join the "survivors" group, but I hope the rest of the group is able to come with me.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Braving The Cold, ReInjury, and Snakes...
Today I tempted fate and went up to my shop to finish the job that has injured my incision so many times before. However, I was successful this time...except for my incision hurting a little bit...
My shop is unheated and small animals seem to be able to breach my security without a problem (my security being strategically placed rat and mouse traps). If I am up there often, just my presence usually scares away the small mammals...well, my presence and the sound of talk radio. And it is important to scare off the small mammals because that is what the small snakes eat. And if they eat enough of them, they become big snakes. Let me just say that today there was evidence of that there may have been a lot of small mammals in there at some point. And that is exactly why I tend to do straightening up in my shop when it is really cold. That way any snakes that are still hanging around are moving slow and thus can easily fall victim to my whacking stick (some tool my father-in-law gave me before he died that looks absolutely medieval but does a good job severing tree limbs, roots, and snakes). It is supposed to get even colder later this week, and that is when I will really get into the areas that vermin like to hide. It is all part of my new plan to get rid of stuff I haven't used in a while and that I don't ever really plan on using again. I think the Goodwill my get a large donation of my crap this week.
My main goal today was to finally put away all of the tools my grandfather had given me right before I had all of this cancer crap happen. They were tools from from my great grandfather's collection, so it is kinda neat to now have them in my collection. My parent's had bought me a new tool box for the additional tools for my birthday when I tore my incision in November. And since I like my work area to be aesthetically pleasing, I had to rearrange all my tools, which is probably why I hurt myself in the first place. But, I made sure everything had its place and I was even able to spread out some of my stuff so it wasn't so crowded in my drawers (go ahead and make your own "one nut" joke here). And we thing I realized when I was finished, is that I have room for more tools! By the way, I made that same statement to my wife and got the skunk eye from her.
Even though I saw giant snakeskins today and overdid it physically and froze my ball off in the cold, I feel really good about today. I am finally starting to be able to do the stuff I want to do. I am able to push myself a little further every day without really injuring myself. And I have finished a project that I started back in August, right before my diagnosis. It is funny how the plethora of doctors' appointments this month keep reminding me that I am still a cancer patient, yet as the days go by I seem to be proving that I am not a cancer victim. Now if I can just manage to stay injury free while I clean out the rest of the area...
My shop is unheated and small animals seem to be able to breach my security without a problem (my security being strategically placed rat and mouse traps). If I am up there often, just my presence usually scares away the small mammals...well, my presence and the sound of talk radio. And it is important to scare off the small mammals because that is what the small snakes eat. And if they eat enough of them, they become big snakes. Let me just say that today there was evidence of that there may have been a lot of small mammals in there at some point. And that is exactly why I tend to do straightening up in my shop when it is really cold. That way any snakes that are still hanging around are moving slow and thus can easily fall victim to my whacking stick (some tool my father-in-law gave me before he died that looks absolutely medieval but does a good job severing tree limbs, roots, and snakes). It is supposed to get even colder later this week, and that is when I will really get into the areas that vermin like to hide. It is all part of my new plan to get rid of stuff I haven't used in a while and that I don't ever really plan on using again. I think the Goodwill my get a large donation of my crap this week.
My main goal today was to finally put away all of the tools my grandfather had given me right before I had all of this cancer crap happen. They were tools from from my great grandfather's collection, so it is kinda neat to now have them in my collection. My parent's had bought me a new tool box for the additional tools for my birthday when I tore my incision in November. And since I like my work area to be aesthetically pleasing, I had to rearrange all my tools, which is probably why I hurt myself in the first place. But, I made sure everything had its place and I was even able to spread out some of my stuff so it wasn't so crowded in my drawers (go ahead and make your own "one nut" joke here). And we thing I realized when I was finished, is that I have room for more tools! By the way, I made that same statement to my wife and got the skunk eye from her.
Even though I saw giant snakeskins today and overdid it physically and froze my ball off in the cold, I feel really good about today. I am finally starting to be able to do the stuff I want to do. I am able to push myself a little further every day without really injuring myself. And I have finished a project that I started back in August, right before my diagnosis. It is funny how the plethora of doctors' appointments this month keep reminding me that I am still a cancer patient, yet as the days go by I seem to be proving that I am not a cancer victim. Now if I can just manage to stay injury free while I clean out the rest of the area...
2011: The Year Of The Doctors' Appointments
After the surgery and chemotherapy, I am now to the "observation" phase of my treatment and I will be at that phase for a few years to come. So far I have had four doctor's appointments this month, and I have three left.
First, I have swimmers! Before you start chemo, they tell you that the chemo will probably make you sterile, which is obviously the part that the lawyers of the people who manufacture the chemotherapy make them say. The oncologist followed that up by saying he didn't know anyone who had that particular type of chemo that actually became sterile (for example, Lance Armstrong and I had the same chemo, and he has had two successful swimmers in the past two years). What was funny, is the nurse from the urologist's office acted like she had devastating news for me, saying that my count of swimmers was low. For me, having just cleared the time period when I should be able to start making swimmers again, and after being told I may never make swimmers again, I was ecstatic. All I need is one swimmer! Maybe two, my wife and I are still arguing that point. Personally I am hoping when my swimmers do make it to the finish line we get triplets.
My second doctor's appointment was with my G.I. doctor. The best news there was I am not due for another buttsporation for another four years! The colonoscopy itself isn't too bad, it's just the prep that has you wishing you hadn't ate all of that food over the past three years so you could get off of the toilet and move on with your life. I have an upper scope in July, but all you have to do for that one is not eat after midnight then go to sleep when they inject you with the good stuff. The only bad news I received from the G.I. doctor, wasn't from him at all. He had been wanting to do a CT scan on me for a while, but we couldn't really justify it. So, since we already had one done, I had sent the scans over to him. He got to see what he wanted to look at and said everything seemed good. In fact the only thing they marked on my scan was the two cyst type things in my kidneys. The only problem with hearing that, was I hadn't heard that before then. So now I have something new to worry about. I asked him if going through chemo would help my Barrett's Esophagus at all, and I was told it wouldn't because esophageal cancer doesn't respond to chemo. Not what I was really hoping to hear, but then he reiterated that is why it is so important to do the scopes when he says to. I guess I will see you in July, doc! Other than that, some of my G.I. issues are doing so well that I have been able to back off some of my meds!
Appointment three was a blood and pee test. The only bad thing about these tests, is you do them at the same time (well a few minutes apart), and they want you to not eat anything that morning, yet still be able to pee. So I was left chugging water on the whole way to the doctor's. The vampire was nice (she always is) and let me in on a little secret. I have veins that like to roll around when stuck, and most nurses are fine when I say that they usually need a "butterfly" to stick me, but every once in a while I get a cranky don't-tell-me-how-to-do-my-job one, who manages to stick me several times before grabbing the butterfly. This nurse said the main reason nurses are like that is that the butterfly needles cost considerably more than the regular ones. And some employers will actually ration the number of butterfly needles a nurse gets in a week. Yeah, that makes sense, stick a person nine times before you break out the more expensive needle (and I speak from experience).
Saturday, I had my regular doctor appointment. I had a year's worth of questions to ask him, which just about every answer was to quit worrying about it. I asked him about my kidney cyst looking thingys. He said just about everyone has those and he is sure that my oncologist is watching those if he is worried about them. He also said it looks like a stitch may be trying to push to the surface from my incision and to have the urologist look at it. I don't know what the heck I will do if I see a string poking out my belly? The kid in me will want to pull it, which has me running all sorts of scenarios in my mind, most of them involving me unraveling. The good news is since a CT scan is much better than getting poked in the butt, I was able to avoid having to get the dreaded prostate exam (or the finger wag as my dad calls it). I don't think either one of us has been looking forward to that. Since this is my no nonsense doctor, he spent most of the appointment telling me I was doing great after my cancer treatment, and now it was time to lose weight! Sometimes I don't feel like I am doing as well as I would like after my treatment, but I definitely agree with him on the losing weight part. I want to lose the weight as fast as possible, then think of a reason to go to him just to prove I could take off the weight. What am I talking about? I am sure I will probably manage to hurt myself sometime before next year's check up. I'll probably end up hurting myself while trying to lose weight.
So, four appointments down and three left this month. I don't know exactly what to expect from the urologist and oncologist. At least the X-ray will be another one of those laydown and don't do anything tests. I am good at those tests. Oh well, nothing I can do but show up to them and then blog about what happened...
First, I have swimmers! Before you start chemo, they tell you that the chemo will probably make you sterile, which is obviously the part that the lawyers of the people who manufacture the chemotherapy make them say. The oncologist followed that up by saying he didn't know anyone who had that particular type of chemo that actually became sterile (for example, Lance Armstrong and I had the same chemo, and he has had two successful swimmers in the past two years). What was funny, is the nurse from the urologist's office acted like she had devastating news for me, saying that my count of swimmers was low. For me, having just cleared the time period when I should be able to start making swimmers again, and after being told I may never make swimmers again, I was ecstatic. All I need is one swimmer! Maybe two, my wife and I are still arguing that point. Personally I am hoping when my swimmers do make it to the finish line we get triplets.
My second doctor's appointment was with my G.I. doctor. The best news there was I am not due for another buttsporation for another four years! The colonoscopy itself isn't too bad, it's just the prep that has you wishing you hadn't ate all of that food over the past three years so you could get off of the toilet and move on with your life. I have an upper scope in July, but all you have to do for that one is not eat after midnight then go to sleep when they inject you with the good stuff. The only bad news I received from the G.I. doctor, wasn't from him at all. He had been wanting to do a CT scan on me for a while, but we couldn't really justify it. So, since we already had one done, I had sent the scans over to him. He got to see what he wanted to look at and said everything seemed good. In fact the only thing they marked on my scan was the two cyst type things in my kidneys. The only problem with hearing that, was I hadn't heard that before then. So now I have something new to worry about. I asked him if going through chemo would help my Barrett's Esophagus at all, and I was told it wouldn't because esophageal cancer doesn't respond to chemo. Not what I was really hoping to hear, but then he reiterated that is why it is so important to do the scopes when he says to. I guess I will see you in July, doc! Other than that, some of my G.I. issues are doing so well that I have been able to back off some of my meds!
Appointment three was a blood and pee test. The only bad thing about these tests, is you do them at the same time (well a few minutes apart), and they want you to not eat anything that morning, yet still be able to pee. So I was left chugging water on the whole way to the doctor's. The vampire was nice (she always is) and let me in on a little secret. I have veins that like to roll around when stuck, and most nurses are fine when I say that they usually need a "butterfly" to stick me, but every once in a while I get a cranky don't-tell-me-how-to-do-my-job one, who manages to stick me several times before grabbing the butterfly. This nurse said the main reason nurses are like that is that the butterfly needles cost considerably more than the regular ones. And some employers will actually ration the number of butterfly needles a nurse gets in a week. Yeah, that makes sense, stick a person nine times before you break out the more expensive needle (and I speak from experience).
Saturday, I had my regular doctor appointment. I had a year's worth of questions to ask him, which just about every answer was to quit worrying about it. I asked him about my kidney cyst looking thingys. He said just about everyone has those and he is sure that my oncologist is watching those if he is worried about them. He also said it looks like a stitch may be trying to push to the surface from my incision and to have the urologist look at it. I don't know what the heck I will do if I see a string poking out my belly? The kid in me will want to pull it, which has me running all sorts of scenarios in my mind, most of them involving me unraveling. The good news is since a CT scan is much better than getting poked in the butt, I was able to avoid having to get the dreaded prostate exam (or the finger wag as my dad calls it). I don't think either one of us has been looking forward to that. Since this is my no nonsense doctor, he spent most of the appointment telling me I was doing great after my cancer treatment, and now it was time to lose weight! Sometimes I don't feel like I am doing as well as I would like after my treatment, but I definitely agree with him on the losing weight part. I want to lose the weight as fast as possible, then think of a reason to go to him just to prove I could take off the weight. What am I talking about? I am sure I will probably manage to hurt myself sometime before next year's check up. I'll probably end up hurting myself while trying to lose weight.
So, four appointments down and three left this month. I don't know exactly what to expect from the urologist and oncologist. At least the X-ray will be another one of those laydown and don't do anything tests. I am good at those tests. Oh well, nothing I can do but show up to them and then blog about what happened...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sometimes Cancer Makes You Fat
Well I finally have internet again! I guess I could have written on my phone, but I didn't want to get carpal thumb. Anyway, I am fat. I can admit it. I am not waddling and breathing hard at everything fat, just kinda limping and breathing hard at things I am not supposed to fat. But oddly, there is something bothering more than just being overweight right now.
For eight years, a big part of my job had been thinking about a contingency plan for everything. So, when I was told going into chemo that my tastes could change (and they did) and that I may not like some of my favorite foods, and I may start to crave others, I prepared by having a two week supply of just about every type of food. The nurse told us that it was important to eat healthy, but it was more important to just eat. Luckily my plan worked, and although some stuff seemed absolutely disgusting while I was on chemo (I have completely lost interest in pasta, unfortunately) I found enough stuff that I bought in preparation for chemo that I did like. And my two week supply of food was gone in about four days....OK, I am exaggerating, it probably lasted me a week. The problem is, my activity level has been severely limited the past four months due to surgery recovery and the constant reinjuring of my surgery. So, increased intake of food and lowered activity level equals a plumper Tommy. Luckily, I was such a fine physical specimen before this all happened, I just went from husky to pudgy. All my clothes still fit and everything, just not as loose as in the past (and I did notice many of my Christmas gift shirts were 2XL instead my normal XL...I guess my family was sending me a hint).
But was has been bothering me is that I know I have gained weight, and I know I need to lose weight, but people keeping telling me it's no big deal. They will say something like that it's OK to gain weight with what I have been through and things to that effect, but I know I have gained weight and I know I need to get back in shape! I was kinda hoping to lose weight from all this crap and instead I am the only chemo patient ever to come through it fatter! I brought the subject up to my cancer group wondering if I was the only one, and I guess since it was our first meeting after the holidays, there were still a lot of sore spots, because everyone seemed to instantly agree with me. As cancer patients, we all know what we have been through, and we are all limited in some ways, and we all don't mind too much if someone is being protective, but we all seem to be a little annoyed by coddling. In other words, I don't mind being told to take it easy when I am doing physical activity, especially if it involves something heavy, but I do mind being told it is OK for me to be that something heavy. I don't know, maybe I am just getting a little fed up with being a cooped up cancer patient, that in my mind should have recovered a long time ago. This isn't the way I planned it.
So, I have eased myself back into Wiiing, and bought the newest EA Active. And unfortunately that nice cartoon lady on there doesn't coddle me at all. That snotty sack of pixels keeps yelling at me to keep up, when the only reason I am lagging behind is because I can't understand how to get the Wiimote to read my movements the way she wants me to, maybe if you made the directions a little clearer I could move the way you want me to and you could see that I am sweating my butt off over here flapping my arms and kicking my legs like an electrocuted chicken trying to get you to register my movements on the screen on my "kick backs"...sorry for that rant, it was just a very frustrating workout today.
I went to my no nonsense, honest doctor yesterday, who has told me that I should lose some weight for the past few visits, and I told my group, that if he said it was OK to be at my weight right now, I would be very ticked. Luckily (?) he told me I should lose weight in whatever way I could. He even mentioned something called a diet. I will exercise in my sleep before I give up the products from the fine folks at Keebler! Which by the way have you seen the new JUMBO Fudge Sticks that just came out? I wonder if I have any left, hold on...NOOOO, I ate it earlier today! WHY!?!? WHY!?!?!? WHY don't they put more than six in a box? That barely lasted the trip back from the grocery store. Anyway, my doctor and I discussed plans to lose the extra pounds while hopefully not hurting myself again.
With that said, I am in full swing with my new exercise program. I have only been on it a few days and already lost three pounds (possibly just because I ran out of Jumbo Fudge Sticks, note to self, buy more than one box next time). Although that EA Active on Wii is really giving me a good workout, but if I ever see the trainer on there out in public I am going to kick her pixelated butt.
For eight years, a big part of my job had been thinking about a contingency plan for everything. So, when I was told going into chemo that my tastes could change (and they did) and that I may not like some of my favorite foods, and I may start to crave others, I prepared by having a two week supply of just about every type of food. The nurse told us that it was important to eat healthy, but it was more important to just eat. Luckily my plan worked, and although some stuff seemed absolutely disgusting while I was on chemo (I have completely lost interest in pasta, unfortunately) I found enough stuff that I bought in preparation for chemo that I did like. And my two week supply of food was gone in about four days....OK, I am exaggerating, it probably lasted me a week. The problem is, my activity level has been severely limited the past four months due to surgery recovery and the constant reinjuring of my surgery. So, increased intake of food and lowered activity level equals a plumper Tommy. Luckily, I was such a fine physical specimen before this all happened, I just went from husky to pudgy. All my clothes still fit and everything, just not as loose as in the past (and I did notice many of my Christmas gift shirts were 2XL instead my normal XL...I guess my family was sending me a hint).
But was has been bothering me is that I know I have gained weight, and I know I need to lose weight, but people keeping telling me it's no big deal. They will say something like that it's OK to gain weight with what I have been through and things to that effect, but I know I have gained weight and I know I need to get back in shape! I was kinda hoping to lose weight from all this crap and instead I am the only chemo patient ever to come through it fatter! I brought the subject up to my cancer group wondering if I was the only one, and I guess since it was our first meeting after the holidays, there were still a lot of sore spots, because everyone seemed to instantly agree with me. As cancer patients, we all know what we have been through, and we are all limited in some ways, and we all don't mind too much if someone is being protective, but we all seem to be a little annoyed by coddling. In other words, I don't mind being told to take it easy when I am doing physical activity, especially if it involves something heavy, but I do mind being told it is OK for me to be that something heavy. I don't know, maybe I am just getting a little fed up with being a cooped up cancer patient, that in my mind should have recovered a long time ago. This isn't the way I planned it.
So, I have eased myself back into Wiiing, and bought the newest EA Active. And unfortunately that nice cartoon lady on there doesn't coddle me at all. That snotty sack of pixels keeps yelling at me to keep up, when the only reason I am lagging behind is because I can't understand how to get the Wiimote to read my movements the way she wants me to, maybe if you made the directions a little clearer I could move the way you want me to and you could see that I am sweating my butt off over here flapping my arms and kicking my legs like an electrocuted chicken trying to get you to register my movements on the screen on my "kick backs"...sorry for that rant, it was just a very frustrating workout today.
I went to my no nonsense, honest doctor yesterday, who has told me that I should lose some weight for the past few visits, and I told my group, that if he said it was OK to be at my weight right now, I would be very ticked. Luckily (?) he told me I should lose weight in whatever way I could. He even mentioned something called a diet. I will exercise in my sleep before I give up the products from the fine folks at Keebler! Which by the way have you seen the new JUMBO Fudge Sticks that just came out? I wonder if I have any left, hold on...NOOOO, I ate it earlier today! WHY!?!? WHY!?!?!? WHY don't they put more than six in a box? That barely lasted the trip back from the grocery store. Anyway, my doctor and I discussed plans to lose the extra pounds while hopefully not hurting myself again.
With that said, I am in full swing with my new exercise program. I have only been on it a few days and already lost three pounds (possibly just because I ran out of Jumbo Fudge Sticks, note to self, buy more than one box next time). Although that EA Active on Wii is really giving me a good workout, but if I ever see the trainer on there out in public I am going to kick her pixelated butt.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
It's Not My Fault, Blame The Cable Company...
Well, my writing schedule has is continually being thrown off because of several events. I will list the biggest one first.
Our cable modem has recently been taking a crap on my computer at random intervals. I mean that figuratively not literally, I think the competing service provider is the one taking a crap on my computer literally. Every once in a while we have these problems with the cable internet, and I think it is a very suspicious coincidence that whenever the CABLE internet starts acting up, I look outside and see the PHONE company out my window. The two boxes for the neighborhood are near each other. I can't prove that the phone guy is sabotaging the cable company, but from now on I am taking pictures of him sitting out there with every outage. So, I will probably not write too much today, because I don't know if I will be able to get it online or not. Of course, the cable company has been a big help with their usual, "We will have some one come out right away. What are you doing a week from Thursday?" Fortunately it has only been the internet except for yesterday, when someone "fixing" the stoplight in town, took out the cable for the whole town. We went nearly 24 hours with out cable and it was the longest week of my life!!! Hopefully this will all be cleared up soon, because there is a job on Craigslist that I want to apply for, but that porn star gig is probably already taken. OK, I am not really going to apply to be a porn star, but I really did see that ad in the Craigslist "gigs" section. I was going through to see what the difference was between the "jobs" section and the "gigs" section. Apparently in the jobs section you are expected to keep your clothes on...
I also didn't blog for a couple days because we went to take my father a new guitar for his birthday (OK, it was a used guitar, but it looks new. Don't tell him.) Everything went well, he really seemed to like it. He said we weren't going to make this a yearly tradition, trading guitars. I think we should, as long as the guitar I get lists new for four to five times more than the one I give him. Seems like a great deal for me!
While in town, I also talked to their preacher. He has been reading some of my entries here and wanted to put me on his internet radio show. I know I was surprised too that: A. someone actually reads these on purpose and 2. that a preacher would still want to talk to me after reading these. He was a really nice person. I normally think of preachers as being old people, at least older than me, except priests. I mean if you are a priest, you have already decided in your life to swear off everything fun (except drinking) so might as well go ahead and move into the free house, right? Anyway, the preacher was about my age. Seeing a preacher your age, kinda makes you feel like you haven't done much with your life. We talked at great length about my ordeal the past few months. It seemed a little strange talking about my most personal of body parts in a church, but we had a good conversation. I will post when the internet radio interview will be on.
I have to other bits of news to write about, but alas my internet has crashed again. So, since I don't know if this will make it online or not, I am not going to write too much more. If you are reading this, the net came back on long enough to post. If you are not reading this, then I can write whatever I want on here, like about the time my sister...well, let me make sure this doesn't post before I tell that story.
Our cable modem has recently been taking a crap on my computer at random intervals. I mean that figuratively not literally, I think the competing service provider is the one taking a crap on my computer literally. Every once in a while we have these problems with the cable internet, and I think it is a very suspicious coincidence that whenever the CABLE internet starts acting up, I look outside and see the PHONE company out my window. The two boxes for the neighborhood are near each other. I can't prove that the phone guy is sabotaging the cable company, but from now on I am taking pictures of him sitting out there with every outage. So, I will probably not write too much today, because I don't know if I will be able to get it online or not. Of course, the cable company has been a big help with their usual, "We will have some one come out right away. What are you doing a week from Thursday?" Fortunately it has only been the internet except for yesterday, when someone "fixing" the stoplight in town, took out the cable for the whole town. We went nearly 24 hours with out cable and it was the longest week of my life!!! Hopefully this will all be cleared up soon, because there is a job on Craigslist that I want to apply for, but that porn star gig is probably already taken. OK, I am not really going to apply to be a porn star, but I really did see that ad in the Craigslist "gigs" section. I was going through to see what the difference was between the "jobs" section and the "gigs" section. Apparently in the jobs section you are expected to keep your clothes on...
I also didn't blog for a couple days because we went to take my father a new guitar for his birthday (OK, it was a used guitar, but it looks new. Don't tell him.) Everything went well, he really seemed to like it. He said we weren't going to make this a yearly tradition, trading guitars. I think we should, as long as the guitar I get lists new for four to five times more than the one I give him. Seems like a great deal for me!
While in town, I also talked to their preacher. He has been reading some of my entries here and wanted to put me on his internet radio show. I know I was surprised too that: A. someone actually reads these on purpose and 2. that a preacher would still want to talk to me after reading these. He was a really nice person. I normally think of preachers as being old people, at least older than me, except priests. I mean if you are a priest, you have already decided in your life to swear off everything fun (except drinking) so might as well go ahead and move into the free house, right? Anyway, the preacher was about my age. Seeing a preacher your age, kinda makes you feel like you haven't done much with your life. We talked at great length about my ordeal the past few months. It seemed a little strange talking about my most personal of body parts in a church, but we had a good conversation. I will post when the internet radio interview will be on.
I have to other bits of news to write about, but alas my internet has crashed again. So, since I don't know if this will make it online or not, I am not going to write too much more. If you are reading this, the net came back on long enough to post. If you are not reading this, then I can write whatever I want on here, like about the time my sister...well, let me make sure this doesn't post before I tell that story.
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